Dave Barry has been at The Miami Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about issues ranging from the international economy to exploding toilets.
Items we actually purchased, although not with our own money, because we are not complete idiots.
Wondering where the candidate stands on key issues? Need to know where to send your bribes campaign contributions? Ask questions and see Dave's answers.
Christmastime is a festive time - a time of parties and presents and songs that we all love, except for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, which I for one got tired of in approximately 1958, and which now causes me to dislocate my forefinger stabbing the car-radio button.
I love Christmas in Miami. Oh, sure, it's not like Christmas up north. We don't have Jack Frost nipping at our nose: We have Harvey Heat Rash nipping at our underwear regions.
It’s time for our annual list of strange and shocking items to purchase for your nearest and dearest this season
Thanksgiving is that very special holiday when we take a break from our hectic everyday lives to spend quality time with our loved ones, rediscovering all the reasons why we don't actually live with them.
I have many memories of the historic opening weekend of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, but what I'll remember the longest is getting into an argument with Bruce Springsteen's guitar player.
Today we are pleased to present another episode of the highly popular feature "Ask Mister Language Person." We were prompted to do this by the unprecedented volume of mail we recently received from Ted Brown of Austin, Texas, who wrote us a letter stating that he and his wife are studying the Japanese horticultural art of "bonsai." Mr. Brown raises a linguistic question that we are sure has been nagging at many of our readers:
I love Halloween. It reminds me of my happy childhood days as a student at Wampus Elementary School in Armonk, N.Y., when we youngsters used to celebrate Halloween by making decorations out of construction paper and that white paste that you could eat. This is also how we celebrated Columbus Day, Washington's Birthday, Lincoln's Birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, New Year's, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Armistice Day, Flag Day, Arbor Day, Thursday, etc. We brought these decorations home to our parents, who by federal law were required to attach them to the refrigerator with magnets.
Big-time national politics has all but lost its Weirdness Quotient. More and more, high-level political races tend to be between identical slim men in identical slim suits. Rational men, cool men, men who know the voting market, men who never say the wrong thing, men who are good on TV. Candidates who don't fit this mold -- the blatant hacks, the geeks, the loons, the people with bad teeth -- tend to get filtered out at the state- legislature level. At the Senate level, you wind up with Ted Koppel vs. Ted Koppel, both speaking in perfect sound bites. These people are boring.
It's time once again for our annual fall fashion guide, so I'll wait right here while you all go pour kerosene on your current wardrobes and set them on fire.
I am on a boat. I have just finished competing in the annual Columbus Day Regatta. It was something I felt I had to do, because I am a Man. For millions of years, Men have felt the irresistible urge to go to Sea, and many of them died. Things got a lot better after they invented boats.
Dear Mister Language Person: When is it correct to say: "between you and I"? A. It is correct in the following instance: "Well, just between you and I, the cosmetic surgeon took enough cellulite out of her upper arms to raft down the Colorado River on."
Originally published in Tropic Magazine Sunday, March 17, 1985 I set off, armed only with a photographer named Bruce, to see what adventures awaited me along Interstate 95, that vast, undulating ribbon of concrete that stretches down the East Coast, like some kind of vast undulating ribbon or something, connecting Maine with the Rickenbacker Causeway. What tales of human drama, we wondered, did it have to tell? What magic would we find, what mystery, along its 1,727-mile length? This was what we set out to discover, only we decided that, seeing as how it was already 10 a.m., we would skip the part from Maine to Route 84 in Broward County, and just do the part below that.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 8, 2002.) Every now and then, some visionary individuals come along with a concept that is so original and so revolutionary that your immediate reaction is: ''Those individuals should be on medication.''Today I want to tell you about two such people, John Baur and Mark Summers, who have come up with a concept that is going to make you kick yourself for not thinking of it first: Talk Like a Pirate Day.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 9, 2004.)So I was pedaling along on my bicycle, towing a little kiddie trailer that contained my daughter, Sophie, and her friend Sofia. I like to tow Sophie when she has a friend with her, because they quickly forget that I'm up there pedaling, so I can listen in on their conversations and find out what is on the minds of 4-year-old children. Usually it's something like this:
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, January 6, 1985)I have never gotten into wine. I'm a beer man. What I like about beer is, you basically just drink it, then you order another one. You don't sniff at it, or hold it up to the light and slosh it around, and above all you don't drone on and on about it, the way people do with wine. Your beer drinker tends to be a straightforward, decent, friendly, down-to-earth person who enjoys talking about the importance of relief pitching, whereas your serious wine fancier tends to be an insufferable snot.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, April 27, 1997) It is time once again for "Ask Mister Language Person, " the only grammar column to have won both the Nobel Prize for Literature and the Indianapolis 500.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, September 28, 1986)We're taking our son, Robby, to his first day of kindergarten. He is being Very Brave. So are we.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, February 19, 1989)I'm swimming about 20 feet below the surface of the Atlantic, a major ocean. I'm a little nervous about this. For many years my philosophy has been that if God had wanted us to be beneath the surface of the ocean, He would never have put eels down there.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, March 26, 1995)As an American, I am ticked off about Sailor Moon. What is Sailor Moon, you ask? Shut up and I will tell you.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sunday, October 16, 1983)I was nervous about interviewing the governor of Florida. Usually when reporters interview the governor, they ask questions that reveal a detailed knowledge of the issues
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