Mr. Language Person: Idiot's Guide to Englesh

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 8, 2003.)
It is time once again for Ask Mister Language Person, the column that provides you with the grammar, punctuation and vocabulary skills you need to verbally crush your opponents like seedless grapes under a hammer.

Dave Barry: A journey into my colon -- and yours

OK. You turned 50. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven't. Here are your reasons: 1. You've been busy. 2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family.

A brief emergency

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 14, 2004.)
Today we have some urgent breaking news, defined as ''news that happened at some point in the past year and we just now found out because we're way behind in our mail.''

Housecleaning tip: Don't

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 14, 2004.)
I'm a pretty good housekeeper. Ask anybody. No, wait: Don't ask my wife.

A ruff and ready playmate

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 19, 2004.)
I'm trying to convince my wife that we need a dog. I grew up with dogs, and am comfortable with their ways. If we're visiting someone's home, and I suddenly experience a sensation of humid warmth, and I look down and see that my right arm has disappeared up to the elbow inside the mouth of a dog the size of a medium horse, I am not alarmed. I know that this is simply how a large, friendly dog says: ''Greetings! You have a pleasing salty taste!''

DAVE BARRY | INAUGURATION DAY

Dave Barry plunges into the inaugural spirit

It is a great honor to march in an inauguration parade. So when a group I belong to called the World Famous Lawn Rangers of Amazing Arcola was selected to march at Barack Obama's inauguration, our reaction, as Americans, was: ``The organizers of this parade must be smoking crack.''

Truck ads: Like a crock

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 21, 2003.)
Let's say you're a middle-aged guy. It's a Sunday afternoon, and you're watching a little football, defined as ''11 consecutive hours of football.''

Sticking it to bad drivers

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 22, 2004.)
How do you rate yourself as a driver? No, that's a stupid question. You rate yourself above average. It's a well-known fact that all humans consider themselves to be above-average drivers, including primitive Amazonian mud people who have not yet discovered the wheel.

The gravity of skiing

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 29, 2004.)
I haven't attempted to ski for years, but recently I decided to take another stab at it. I was hoping they'd done something about the gravity problem.

These cars can't be tuned

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June. 29, 2003.)
So the other day I was waiting at a stoplight in my car, which is nice, but like most cars today, boring. For example, when you turn the key, it starts. Every time! It has one of those modern, quiet, dependable engines. At least I ASSUME it has an engine: I've never had a reason to look under the hood. For all I know, there's a small alien spacecraft in there.

Dave Barry Year in Review: Bailing out of 2008

How weird a year was it? Here's how weird: O.J. actually got convicted of something. Gasoline hit $4 a gallon -- and those were the good times.

How to beat the wrap

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 9, 2001.)
This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb -- went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, ``presented unto Him gifts: gold, frankincense and myrrh.''

Away in a mangy strip club

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 10, 2000.)
Here in Florida (Official State Motto: ``I voted for WHOM??''), we do not have what you would call a typical Christmas season.

Idiot's Guide to Englesh

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 29, 2003.)
It is time once again for Ask Mister Language Person, the column that provides you with the grammar, punctuation and vocabulary skills you need to verbally crush your opponents like seedless grapes under a hammer.

DAVE BARRY'S GIFT GUIDE 2008

Dave Barry's Gift Guide: 14 items guaranteed to inspire 'Oh, you shouldn't have'

Why do we give gifts during the holiday season? We do it for a reason that is as timeless as humanity itself: women. Women have an overpowering biological need to mark pretty much every occasion, including sunset, by wrapping a gift and giving it to somebody, along with a card.

Defusing the turkey bomb

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 21, 2004.)
Thanksgiving is that very special holiday when we take a break from our hectic everyday lives to spend quality time with our loved ones, rediscovering all the reasons we don't actually live with them.

Driving while stupid

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 22, 2002.)
So I have to tell you what I saw on the interstate the other night. First, though, you must understand that this was not just any old interstate. This was I-95 in downtown Miami, proud home of the worst darned drivers in the world.

Rank stupidity

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 20, 2002.)
An outfit calling itself ''Morgan Quitno Press'' recently ranked the 50 United States in order of intelligence, and I am TICKED OFF. My state, Florida, came in 47th. Can you believe that? Forty-seventh! How dare they? How dare they suggest that Florida is more intelligent than three other states? No way!

Terror on flight 611

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 17, 2000.)
Recently, my wife and I took our 8-month-old daughter on a trip involving five plane flights in one week. Many people would be reluctant to travel with a baby that small, but we had a compelling reason: We have Fig Newtons for brains.

Itchin' for tradition

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 28, 2001.)
I love Halloween, because it reminds me of a simpler, more innocent time -- a time when I dressed up as a goblin and ran around the neighborhood shouting ''Trick or treat!'' But that was last year.