Dave Barry has been at The Miami Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about issues ranging from the international economy to exploding toilets.
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(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 2, 2003.)
I have here a news item that alert reader Diane Moore clipped out of the Pana, Ill., News-Palladium (actual motto: ''Containing More News About the Pana Trade Area Than All Other Newspapers in the World'').
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 26, 2003.)
Iraqi weapons of mass destruction: Did they, in fact, exist? If so, will they ever be found?
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 9, 2004.)
So I was pedaling along on my bicycle, towing a little kiddie trailer that contained my daughter, Sophie, and her friend Sofia. I like to tow Sophie when she has a friend with her, because they quickly forget that I'm up there pedaling, so I can listen in on their conversations and find out what is on the minds of 4-year-old children. Usually it's something like this:
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 11, 2004.)
Pets are good, because they teach children important lessons about life, the main one being that, sooner or later, life kicks the bucket.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Jan. 2, 2000.)
It is with great verisimilitude that we present another installation of ''Ask Mister Language Person,'' the column that answers your common questions about grammar, punctuation and unwanted body hair. This is the ONLY language column to receive the coveted Lifetime Bathroom Pass from the American Society of University Professors Who Are Never in Their Offices.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 23, 2004.)
A commencement address: This is your big day -- the day when you jam four years' worth of unlaundered underwear into a Hefty bag and leave college, prepared by your professors to go out into the Real World. The first thing you'll notice is that your professors did not go out there with you. They're not stupid; that's why they're professors. They've figured out that college is a carefree place where the most serious real problem is finding a legal parking space.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published April 25, 2004.)
Every now and then, you come across a story so darned heartwarming that you need to take a prescription antacid.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 25, 2004.)
When word got around the music community that the original Federal Duck was getting back together after 35 years, the reaction from serious rock fans was unanimous: ''Why?''
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept.19, 2004.)
There comes a time when a man must go into the wilderness and face one of mankind's oldest, and most feared, enemies: trout.
(This Classic Dave Barry was originally published June 20, 2004.)
These days we take flying for granted. We walk aboard commercial airplanes, and although we don't understand how they work, we're confident that, thanks to the extremely sophisticated technology embodied in these complex machines, some teeny part, possibly in the toilet, will malfunction, and we will be delayed.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 18, 2004.)
I can't shop with my wife. The problem is that she almost never has a clear objective. I ALWAYS have a clear objective. Without a clear objective, you're just wandering randomly around a store, which is NOT the point of shopping.
This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 2, 2004
Before we get to today's column, I have an important announcement regarding outsourcing. ''Outsourcing'' is a business expression that means, in layperson's terms, ''sourcing out.'' It's a trend that started years ago in manufacturing, which is a business term that means ''making things.''
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 30, 2004.)
I figured out why movie stars generally are young. It's not just because they look good naked. It's also because their brains still work.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 28, 2004.)
It is time for another rendition of "Ask Mister Language Person, " the only grammar column approved for internal use by the Food and Drug Administration; the grammar column that puts the "dip" in "diphthong," the "vern" in "vernacular," and the "dang" in "dangling participle."
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 24, 2002.)
My advice to aspiring humor columnists is: Never make fun of North Dakota. Because the North Dakotans will invite you, nicely but relentlessly, to visit, and eventually you'll have to accept. When you get there, they'll be incredibly nice to you, treating you with such warmth and hospitality that before long you feel almost like family. Then they will try to asphyxiate you with sewer gas.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 28, 2004.)
It's game night, and the Pinecrest Wolverettes are getting ready.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 7, 2003.)
I'm not saying it's easy to be the father of the bride. I'm just saying it can't be any more stressful than being the father of the flower girl.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 18, 2003.)
It's time for an update on the British art world, which, as far as I can tell, exists mainly to provide me with material.
(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 8, 2003.)
It is time once again for Ask Mister Language Person, the column that provides you with the grammar, punctuation and vocabulary skills you need to verbally crush your opponents like seedless grapes under a hammer.
OK. You turned 50. You know you're supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven't. Here are your reasons: 1. You've been busy. 2. You don't have a history of cancer in your family.
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