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About Dave Barry

Dave Barry has been at The Miami Herald since 1983. A Pulitzer Prize winner for commentary, he writes about issues ranging from the international economy to exploding toilets.

Dave Barry's official site

The Official Dave Barry Blog

2011 Gift Guide

Items we actually purchased, although not with our own money, because we are not complete idiots.

Dave Barry for president 2000 2004 2008

Wondering where the candidate stands on key issues? Need to know where to send your ~~bribes~~ campaign contributions? Ask questions and see Dave's answers.

Your key to happy sailing

This Dave barry column was originally published March 6, 1983You should go sailing. Nothing is more relaxing than getting out on the open sea, far from the workaday world and decent medical care.
On Hallowed Ground

Originally published September 8, 2002On a humid July day in Pennsylvania, hundreds of tourists, as millions have before them, are drifting among the simple gravestones and timeworn monuments of the national cemetery at Gettysburg.
Starve a cold, feed playoff fever the gripping drama, dripping spareribs

I will admit that, until approximately Tuesday of this week, I was not a major Marlins fan. To me, baseball has always seemed less exciting, as a spectator sport, than basketball, or football, or hockey, or appliance repair.
World peace? Nah, let's talk Marlins

Now that the Marlins' first season is over, I think we have to agree that it did a lot of good for South Florida. For one thing, it exposed a lot of young fans down here to major-league baseball. One night late in September, I was at a Marlins- Cardinals game, sitting in front of a very young fan -- a boy, maybe 3 years old -- and he was learning about The Nation's Pastime by asking his dad questions.
BACK TO BASICKS

This Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 4, 1994Gather 'round, young people, because it's back-to-school time, and Uncle Dave wants to give you some important advice to help you excel in the classroom and have successful, rewarding careers, assuming that the Earth is not destroyed by giant comet chunks.
Was it good for you?

Being an ordinary citizen, you are, no offense, way too stupid to understand the complex problems involved in trying to balance the federal budget. So it's fortunate that you have President Bush and the U.S. Congress (motto: "We Can't Agree On a Motto") gnawing away on the deficit problem for you, like a colony of busy beavers who have somehow obtained blue suits, red ties and checking accounts.
Truth or dare

This Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 5, 2004When you've been writing a column for as long as I have - six billion years this Tuesday - you get used to receiving a certain type of letter. It's known in journalism as the "I Dare You To Print This!" (IDYTPT for short) letter, because the letter-writer challenges you, the columnist, to print the letter, implying you lack the courage.
Earning a collie degree

(This Dave Barry column was originally published Sept. 8, 1985)We have a new dog, which means we're going through this phase where we spend a lot of time crouching and stroking and going "Yessss! That's a GOOD girl!" and otherwise practically awarding the Nobel Prize to her for achievements such as not pooping on the rug.
Hung by your threads

(This Dave Barry column was originally published June 14, 1987)I see trouble ahead. Big trouble. Because of the fall hemlines. They're going to be shorter. This has been decreed by Paris, France, and ratified by New York, New York. You should be receiving your formal notification via mail within the next few weeks.
The lure of the wild

(This Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 1, 1987)The first time I taught my son, Robert, how to fish was in 1982, when he was 2. I did it the old-fashioned way: I took him to the K mart with Uncle Joe, our old friend and lawyer, to pick out a Complete Fishing Outfit for $12.97. Then we went to a pond, where Robert sat in the weeds and put pond muck in his hair while Uncle Joe and I tried to bait the hook with a living breathing thinking feeling caring earthworm.
Promises, promises

This Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 4, 1990Recently, in a deviation from Standard Journalism Procedure, I've been talking with members of the public. We journalists generally avoid members of the public because they always tell us that we get everything wrong, although in fact what they're usually talking about is insignificant errors such as identifying James Baker as "the governor of Connecticut, " when he is technically the mayor of Connecticut.
Stating your case for the stupidest state

(This Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 20, 2002.) An outfit calling itself ''Morgan Quitno Press'' recently ranked the 50 United States in order of intelligence, and I am TICKED OFF. My state, Florida, came in 47th. Can you believe that? Forty-seventh! How dare they? How dare they suggest that Florida is more intelligent than three other states? No way!
Miami wins! Now we can go shopping

(This Dave Barry column was originally published June 8, 2006.)So the NBA playoffs come down to this: Miami vs. Dallas. Tonight they begin a series that will determine which city is the winner and which city has many residents who are not cowboys but wear cowboy hats anyway, often in urban environments where they look ridiculous.
He doesn't want to hold your hand

(This Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 16, 1999.)Potential presidential timber Donald Trump, who, by his own admission, is "the very definition of the American success story, " came to Miami Monday on an exploratory mission to find out whether he is hugely popular or what.
Why Johnnny is dum

This Dave Barry column was originally published August 11, 1985If you read the newspaper, you know the American education system has gone past the point where it is simply failing to educate our young, and is now actively reducing their intelligence. Hardly a day goes by when you don't see an article like this:
Why the NBA isn't as offensive as you think: A primer on the brutal art of defense in pro basketball's trenches

This Dave Barry column was originally published Feb. 17, 1991It's a Tuesday night in January, and somewhere in America some guys who consider themselves to be Knowledgeable Sports Fans are sitting in a bar, talking. One of them is saying: "You know what's wrong with pro basketball? They don't play defense. All it is is big goons running up and down the court scoring whenever the hell they feel like it."
On the swimsuit front

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published May 19, 2002.)Ladies: It's time to get in shape for swimsuit season! If you start a program of diet and exercise NOW, in just a few weeks you can shed that extra 10 pounds, so when it's time to ''hit the beach,'' you can put on that new bikini with the confidence that comes from knowing that you will immediately take off that new bikini, put on a bathrobe and spend the rest of the weekend in your bedroom, weeping and eating Häagen-Dazs straight from the container.
Smell the roses

I have received a number of letters from readers complaining that I focus too much on "bathroom humor, " instead of using this forum to educate my readers about important issues that are of deep concern to our nation. OK, fine. I can take criticism, and I admit that maybe I have become somewhat fixated. So today my topic will be: China.
Vacationland USA: Why go someplace normal?

Remember the Dark Years, when national magazines kept publishing lists of the Most Desirable Areas, and South Florida always ranked below the moons of Uranus? Well that's all over now.
Baby hormones have taken over my wife, and all I can say is 'WAAAH!'

The most powerful force in the universe is not any kind of nuclear energy. It is not magnetism, gravity or the IRS. The most powerful force in the universe is hormones. If you don't believe me, conduct the following simple scientific experiment: