Don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 17, 2001.)
You don't think of swingers as being the type of people who hold conventions. By "swingers, " I mean couples who swing with other couples. By "swing, " I mean, "you know exactly what I mean."

Dave Barry | I take it all back: I love you, Miami

I want to start with a retraction and an apology. My previous Super Bowl column, which offered tips for visitors to Miami, deeply offended some readers, who informed me that: (a) I am hurting Miami's image; (b) I am an idiot racist piece of lowlife no-talent scum; and (c) they did not mean this in a good way.

THE GAME FACE IS ON

Dave Barry: If you're a Super Bowl tourist, Do NOT go outside

Dear Super Bowl Visitor:

Welcome to Miami! Get ready for a fun Super Bowl week, because you're going to see some serious partying ``Miami Style'' -- people eating, drinking, singing, shouting, fighting, discharging firearms, sacrificing animals, sinking motor yachts and dancing naked around burning buses. And those are our police officers.

Valley of the Dolls

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 10, 2001.)
What I do, first thing every morning, is play with dolls. The dolls belong to my 15-month-old daughter, Sophie, who likes to start the day by giving her dolls a toy bottle. She has a strong nurturing instinct, although it is not matched by her hand-eye coordination, so often she sticks the bottle into a doll's eye. The dolls don't mind.

Generations of Barrys have been raccoon bait

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published June 17, 2001.)
There's nothing like taking your family on a camping trip - getting away from civilization, sleeping under the open sky, looking up into the heavens and gazing upon an awe-inspiring vista of millions and millions of . . . what ARE those things? Bats? Very large mosquitoes? Oh NO! They've taken little Ashley!

This deserves a life sentence

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 5, 1999.)
It is with great verisimilitude that we present another installation of "Ask Mister Language Person, " the column that answers your common questions about grammar, punctuation and unwanted body hair. This is the ONLY language column to receive the coveted Lifetime Bathroom Pass from The American Society of University Professors Who Are Never in Their Offices.

Discourse on the 'Course'

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Oct. 5, 1997.)
You've surely noticed that a big golf craze is sweeping the nation, as aging Baby Boomers discover the benefits of participating in a sport where the most physically demanding activity is ordering putters by mail.

Duct-tape daredevils

(This Classic Dave Barry was originally published June 20, 2004.)
These days we take flying for granted. We walk aboard commercial airplanes, and although we don't understand how they work, we're confident that, thanks to the extremely sophisticated technology embodied in these complex machines, some teeny part, possibly in the toilet, will malfunction, and we will be delayed.

Waging germ warfare

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 16, 2003.)
Winter's here, and you feel lousy: You're coughing and sneezing; your muscles ache; your nose is an active mucus volcano. These symptoms - so familiar at this time of year - can mean only one thing: Tiny fanged snails are eating your brain.

Dave Barry's year in review: 2009

It was a year of Hope -- at first in the sense of ``I feel hopeful!'' and later in the sense of ``I hope this year ends soon!''

A forest of lights can only mean that it's Christmas in Miami

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 7, 2003.)
I love Christmas in Miami. Oh, sure, it's not like Christmas up north. We don't have Jack Frost nipping at our nose: We have Harvey Heat Rash nipping at our underwear regions. And we never look outside on Christmas morning to discover that the landscape has been magically transformed by a blanket of white, unless a cocaine plane has crashed on our lawn.

Who named these guys wise men?

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 5, 2004.)
Christmastime is a festive time - a time of parties and presents and songs that we all love, except for Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, which I for one got tired of in approximately 1958, and which now causes me to dislocate my forefinger stabbing the car-radio button. I prefer traditional Christmas carols, such as Ding Dong Merrily on High. I am not making this carol up. The lyrics are:

DAVE BARRY'S GIFT GUIDE 2009

Dear Santa, please pay no attention to this list

In these troubled economic times, when money is scarce for many people, it's important that we remind ourselves, and our loved ones, that the holiday season is not about buying things. Then we and our loved ones can enjoy a hearty laugh, because, of COURSE the holiday season is about buying things.

Sanity, now departing

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 24, 2002.)
We set out from Miami early on Feb. 5, two adults and a 2-year-old, bound for Salt Lake City. In a sense, we were following the Mormon pioneers, who trekked to Utah on foot, trudging 1,300 brutal miles over harsh terrain. They had it easy. We had to take a connecting flight through Dallas.

This is funny, trust us

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 20, 2003.)
We are worried, here in the newspaper business (motto: ''What, YOU never make misstakes?''). We're hearing that you readers have lost your faith in us. Polls show that, in terms of public trust, the news media now rank lower than used-car salespeople, kidnappers, tapeworms, Hitler and airline flight announcements. (We are still slightly ahead of lawyers.)

Mindless in Mickeytown

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published March 30, 2003.)
Every year, we return to Orlando. Instinct makes us do this. We are like the salmon who must swim upstream to spawn, and die. They are lucky. We must go to theme parks.

Barfing baby makes fellow fliers cry for parachutes

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published July 22, 2001.)
We set out with a sense of foreboding. If you ever feel a boding, and later on something bad happens, that was a foreboding.

North Dakota wants its place in the sun

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Aug. 12, 2001.)
North Dakota is talking about changing its name. I frankly didn't know you could do that. I thought states' names were decreed by the Bible or something. In fact, as a child I believed that when Columbus arrived in North America, the states' names were actually, physically, written on the continent, in gigantic letters, the way they are on maps. I still think this would be a good idea, because if an airplane's navigational system failed, the pilot could just look out the window and see exactly where the plane was. ("OK, there's a huge 'W' down there, so we're over Wyoming. Or, Wisconsin.")

Feeling sick? Blame your computer

(This classic Dave Barry column was originally published Dec. 14, 2003.)
It's time once again for Keyboard Korner, the computer-advice column that uses simple, "jargon-free" terminology that even an idiot like you can grasp; the column that shows you how to "take command" of your personal computer, if necessary by reducing it to tiny smoking shards with a hatchet.