Carolyn Hax: One person can make a big difference standing up for another
08/27/2014 12:00 AM
08/26/2014 11:22 AM
While I’m away, readers give the advice.
On witnessing an act of cruelty: I was bullied viciously through most of my childhood. My parents assumed it was my fault and punished me rather than helping. The neighbors and most teachers saw it as just the way kids are.
That was just how life was until eighth grade, when the assistant principal, a big man who inspired both respect and fear in the students, happened to see me attacked, and reacted with rage toward my attackers, and at the same time, great gentleness and kindness toward me.
He was, of course, in a position to put an end to my troubles, at least while I was at school, and he did make it his business to see that I was safe and treated with compassion and understanding while I worked to heal deep wounds and learn to fit in, and that was wonderful.
More importantly to me, however, was that he was the first person in my life who showed me that I had value, that I did not deserve this, that I was not somehow innately bad. I am sure he forgot all about me by the end of summer break, and never realized the gift he gave me, but in standing up for me that day, he changed my life forever, and I will always be so very grateful. I would like to ask everyone, please, to recognize they have the power to make that kind of difference in another person’s life by choosing to stand up for what is right and by showing a little kindness.
On deciding whether to date someone with a young child: For the next 18 years, possibly up to 1/3 of this person’s income will be going to pay for that child. So can he adequately live on 70 percent of what he now earns? Can you afford to go places together and do the things you want to do?
A parent’s time possibly every other weekend, and sometimes midweek, will be rightfully spent with his child. When the child gets into later school grades, a good parent and step-parent actively participate in school functions to support the child.
A parent who isn’t willing to spend that time with a child should be a warning sign, and if the girlfriend/boyfriend isn’t willing to graciously encourage the parent to be a part of that, then that should be a warning sign to both of them.
The attraction during the early stages of a relationship can mask the realities of the cost, stresses and inconveniences of being involved in a blended family. That role requires a generous person who expects little in return.
On concerns that secrets aren’t possible given Facebook: Someone wrote in your June 20 chat (http://wapo.st/1pR9Hxb) that his/her group of friends couldn’t exclude a toxic friend from their vacation plans, saying, “Sorry, can’t do that — (we’re) all Facebook friends.”
When the topic of Facebook as modern life’s unquestioned puppeteer comes up again — and it will — you could mention the following: They don’t have to tell all their business on Facebook.
Let us reclaim the notion of privacy and discretion. I promise, we’ll continue to exist.
In Facebook We Must
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