Tiger Woods' wife is learning one of the golden rules of celebrity marriage: People who live in glass houses should not swing golf clubs at their husbands.
OK, we can't be 101 percent sure that Elin Woods was chasing down her husband with a golf club. But every wife in America knows that hell hath no fury like a woman wielding a wedge.
There's good reason why the No. 1 golfer finally drove worse than Phil Mickelson early Friday morning, plowing his 2009 Cadillac Escalade into a fire hydrant and a tree. Could there be a connection between the low-flying stinger we presume Elin aimed at his head and reports in the National Enquirer and Star magazine that Eldrick had an affair with a New York nightclub hostess?
The world's most famous athlete should know better than to try to use a drive to get out of the rough when he should have just stayed home and taken the wedgie like a man.
Before I commend Mrs. Woods on her choice of instruments, let me say here that I do not condone domestic violence in any shape or form (woods or irons). Spousal abuse is a serious problem and I don't advocate violence as a solution for any marital disagreement.
Still, you gotta hand it to the girl for coming up with a new use for the attack wedge.
What woman hasn't picked up an object in anger and lobbed or swung it at her husband? Dishes, drinks, frying pans, bowling trophies, overripe fruit, high heels, wedding rings, a full plate of spaghetti Bolognaise - they're all effective flying tools for making your point when you're a member of the Mad as Hell Wives Club.
Not many women will publicly support spousal smack downs, but when it comes to marital infidelity, even the polite lady gloves come off. Don't tell me that wives around the world aren't silently atta-girling Elin Woods and wishing a number of other prominent suffering wives - Elizabeth Edwards, Silda Spitzer, Jenny Sanford, Hillary Clinton - would perfect their swings.
History has a habit of forgiving women who lash out at unfaithful partners. For instance, here's a list I quickly assembled now that we're on the topic of...
Women Who Beat Down Their Lyin' Cheatin' Men
1. Lorena Bobbit: The knife-wielding wife who cut off her husband's penis in 1993 testified at her malicious wounding trial that hubby John Wayne Bobbit flaunted his infidelities and raped her after coming home drunk. A jury found Lorena not guilty due to insanity causing "an irresistible urge to sexually wound her husband."
2. Brenda Harvey: Once the missus of "Do It To Me" crooner Lionel Richie, she went ballistic and beat up her husband when she discovered him with another woman (later to become wife No. 2) in a Beverly Hills apartment in 1988. She was arrested for spousal abuse.
3. Ryan Haddon Slater: The now ex-wife of actor Christian Slater hurled a whisky glass at him at the Hard Rock Hotel in Vegas in 2003, reportedly because he went to a topless club. It shattered on the back of his head, requiring 20 stitches. She was arrested for domestic battery, though Slater declined to press charges.
4. Mary Woodson: The one-time girlfriend of singer Al Green dumped a pan of boiling grits on him while he was hiding in the shower after an argument over his refusal to marry her. Al suffered third-degree burns on his back, stomach and arms.
5. Tanya Harding: About five years after she put her ex-husband up to whacking Nancy Kerrington's knees, the former Olympic figure skater pleaded not guilty to charges that she hit her boyfriend in the face with a hubcap and her fists.
6. Tawny Kitaen: She's famous as the chick on the hood of the car in the Whitesnake video, but in 2002 she was famous for hitting, kicking and scratching her then-husband, Major League baseball pitcher Chuck Finley, in a Ruth's Chris Steakhouse in Irvine, Calif. She ended up getting counseling and making a small donation to a battered women's shelter.
7. Mary Delgado: The former NFL cheerleader and reality TV show contestant was arrested in 2007 in Seminole, Fla., for attacking her fiance, The Bachelor sixth-season star Byron Velvick. The couple got into an argument (supposedly over a delay in wedding plans) and Delgado became violent, striking Velvick in the chest and face, splitting his lip.
8. Daniell Harper: The wife of Indianapolis Colts comeback Nick Harper stabbed her husband with a filet knife as he lay in bed in 2006. She told police it was an accident and that she was mad at him because he refused to speak to her. This came five years after the football player was arrested on a domestic battery charge after police say he hit his wife in the face.
Actually, all of these women have it wrong. The best revenge doesn't come from a few bruises or a severed appendage. There's an old saying in golf: Drive for show, putt for dough. If Elin really wants to put the hurt on her man, she'd stop swinging and go for the high-pressure clutch putt: sole ownership of that butt-ugly, $54 million, 9,000-square-foot waterfront estate in Jupiter Island.