Put this in your virtual shopping cart and charge it: Next time you're purchasing Oprah's book of the month on amazon.com or splurging for strappy heels on zappos.com, click over to http://www.cryobank.com/ and order yourself some quality online sperm.
California Cryobank is now offering sperm shopping on the Internet. Starting this month, you can find a donor using the handy Quick Search pull-down menu, which lets you hunt by hair color, eye color and ethnic origin. After you've found Mr. Right (Hand), simply order a vial of his semen, which can be FedExed to your door.
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When I first heard about this new online service, I thought it made perfect sense. After all, most men have been donating sperm online for years now. (Please guys, just remember to wipe off the keyboard when you're done.) This truly offers the best of both worlds for women: We get to experience the thrill of shopping and still wear our fuzzy socks and sweatpants to bed.
Why bother with the emotional highs and lows of match.com? Let's go straight to the heart of the tick-tocking matter and put our money where are wombs are. Visa and MasterCard accepted.
When I searched for a blue-eyed blond white guy this weekend, I found 12 matches, most of them German, British or Irish descent. There were Catholics, a cornucopia of other Christians (Protestant, Episcopalian, Presbyterian), a smattering of atheists or non-denomination types and one Jew. A search for a brown-eyed, brown-haired African American came up with only two possibilities. A brown-haired, brown-eyed Hispanic wasn't much better, with only six matches.
Diversity efforts have obviously fallen short in the collection plate.
After zeroing in on your type, you can learn more about each potential donor. Free details include height, weight, education, blood type and whether the guy has impregnated somebody before. (You obviously don't want to plunk down your hard-earned money on some dude shooting blanks.) You also get to know his occupation. On Sunday, I checked out a library employee, a chemical engineering student, an entrepreneur (yeah, I've heard that one before), a teacher, a journalism student (poor doomed schmuck) and a professional musician (think about it – all those creative genes minus the drunken one night stand on the tour bus).
You can also download an essay the donor has written and get a look at staff impressions of him. For $14, you can add a facial features report to your cart or, for $28, an audio interview. Other extras include a baby photo and the results from a personality test.
You can collect all the guys who catch your eye under your "favorites." When it's time to view your shopping cart and make a decision, you can buy a vial of the lucky guy's sperm for $370 to $465. Specimens are dry shipped in liquid nitrogen, with viability guaranteed for seven days from the date shipped.
Note to self: What smells worse in the fridge – a vial of spoiled sperm or that expired carton of milk? This could make for a good science fair project when the kid hits fifth grade.
Don't despair if Prince Charming doesn't materialize on your first search. You can register for e-mail alerts that let you know when new donors come aboard. So to speak. I picture something like those Target card holder e-mails minus the cool coupons.
Weary of spending all day at your computer? You're in luck. There's also a printable donor catalog for those of us who still like the occasional hands-on experience.