Ever since he single-handedly won last week's Bowl Championship Series title game in Miami for the University of Florida, the seas have been parting for golden boy quarterback Tim Tebow. Newspaper sports writers and ESPN commentators gush over him. Even those homophobic blowhards who spend their days on sports blogs and Internet forums can't help slapping Tebow's tight butt with delight. But there's one devoted following that few have noted. I'm talking about all the Gator moms who are ready to auction off their first-born daughters to the T-man.
It's no secret that every Florida mother secretly hopes her daughter bumps into the dreamy quarterback on campus and Tebow falls helplessly in love with said young daughter, eyes locking over blueberry creme frappuccinos at the Library West Starbucks. I know some Gator moms who wouldn't mind if their sons locked more than eyes with Tebow.
Now that Gov. Charlie Crist is off on his marriage-o-convenience, Tebow is Florida's undisputed most eligible bachelor. (There wasn't much of a contest because Tebow's far younger, cuter and doesn't sport a George Hamilton tan.)
The guy is legendary. Still, he didn't hit my radar until a UF mom tuned me in last month. If, like me, you're a latecomer to Tebowmania, here's a primer: At 6-foot-3 and 240 pounds, the 21-year-old junior is a Heisman-winning quarterback with a 3.7 GPA who posts Bible verses on the eye black he wears during big games. The son of Christian missionaries, he spent his last spring break at an orphanage in Southeast Asia, helping 250 Filipinos undergo medical and dental procedures, including circumcision.
He's smart, good looking, modest, passionate and a rumored virgin with a strong work ethic and super-human athletic ability. What's not to love? Even dads have a man crush on him.
That's about as strong as the criticism gets. Tebow can really do no wrong. His coach calls him the "greatest player of our era." The media thinks he's perfect. Filipinos thank him for clipping off part of the most sensitive part of their bodies.
I won't bore you with phenomenal passing and touchdown stats. What every future mother-in-law needs to know is that he once told a New York Times reporter, "There's more important things than football." (He ranks football fourth behind faith, family and academics.)
The college recruiting battle for this kid was nothing compared to the cat fight young coeds are now waging to get next to him. Some words of wisdom to all those hussies asking Boy Wonder to sign their panties: Tebow doesn't want your virginity ladies – unless it will help save a small African country.
My advice to this young man is to get away from these girls as fast as possible. Run. Hide. And come out in eight years, when my oldest daughter turns 18.