So here’s what he told me:
He said he couldn’t fall in love with me because I didn’t put him first.
Put him first? Before a 20 month old who can't even tie her own shoes?
He wanted me to put him first -- AND he put himself first too.
That’s fuzzy math for you.
Well, some other woman can have him. When you have a child you can no longer give in to low self-esteem.
Which brings me to the thought:
Why do Single Moms want a husband anyway?
And before you start to date that’s a good question to answer. It’ll certainly affect who you choose to date.
Do I want a partner? A daddy for my child? To fulfill the dream of a nuclear family? Someone to share my life with? Someone to provide comfort understanding and security? The health insurance or green card? (And, note, do not make a joke about wanting to get married for health insurance if you date my ex.) To change your income tax filing? Bragging rights? Arm candy? The Will? Sex on a regular basis with one person? All of the above? (You'll be single forever) A friend with benefits? Or just want the benefits? You don't need a husband for this. Maybe its because I envy married women around me who I imagine have ideal home lives?
I'm sure some of them do. Then there’s the other 98.9%.
Yes, I am still a romantic, I do believe there are some ideal marriages out there…but from my experience being married and from the experiences of friends with husbands, and from the husbands I know better than their wives do*, and from the Jerry Springer episodes I’ve watched…
There are so many great reasons to stay a single mom. Being a single mom has its benefits.
My daughter gets my full attention. I like that I have time to focus on her. I don’t have to rush her to bed or home from the park because someone else wants time with me. I can do things with her on a whim. I can spend time at night teaching her the alphabet and reading to her. I only have to make one dinner -- all her favorite foods. If we don't like a museum or a movie, no debate, we leave. She doesn't have to take trips to the dry cleaner or the repair shop for anyone's needs but ours and neither of us are wearing anything dry cleanable these days anyway. And she’s a huge talker. Why? Because I’m always talking to her with time to listen. I love watching her, she is growing up so fast, I don't want to miss anything. I feel so lucky to have her. And don't take this as I'm lax or a "s-mother". i check and balance this consciously.
...I could marry a long distance trucker...
There’s no one to cheat on me. I can kill my own bugs and XY chromosomes don’t mean they automatically know how to change the oil. And just because they’re your husband, in sickness and in health, doesn’t mean they’re going to make you chicken soup. It may just as much mean they’re going to hog the TV.
There’s no one to criticize my parenting skills or compare me to their mother. My daughter wants to jump in the puddles, she can jump in the puddles. If she wants to suck her thumb and carry her duck blanket til she’s 15 that’s ok with me too. And she can stay up way past 8.
Without a man in my house, she’ll never see her parents arguing. At my house, there’s no fighting over who will do the dishes. It’ll always be me. And when it comes time to decide what to do on a weekend or what TV show to watch, we’ll do whatever I…well, whatever my daughter wants, within reason.
And I don’t have to worry if my husband goes out to get cigarettes he doesn’t come back. I know I need to get my own cigarettes. One more reason I shouldn’t start smoking. Who says Springer isn't educational?
A friend or a relative can hold the video camera if we go to the zoo.
I don't even need a husband to have another kid.
As a single mom, if I ever want to go back to college, I am eligible for a lot of scholarship money.
There’s no ones bad habits for her to pick up except my own and as we all know our own bad habits aren’t bad habits as all, they’re adorable quirks.
Then again there’s no one to hug in the evenings or to rub my feet. But I can pay a masseuse to rub my feet and then go home and know they aren’t coming to my house to leave their socks on the floor. And I won't have to reciprocate ….
Wow. I started this blog with the idea that I’d say, yes, we’re human and we’re social animals and, I’d like to date someone and possibly get married again. But proofreading this over, I’m not so confident I can end it that way, I’ll have to get back to you on this. Even the lovely answer to why to get married, “Partnership”, means compromise.
And maybe that says a lot about me.
If you’re thinking about what’s best for my daughter, there are no studies that show financially stable single moms with family support and friends raise less happy, healthy, well-adjusted kids then ones in married homes so …
Well I know I’m in the minority on this site as a single mom, so any thoughts are welcome…
*please note, those husbands I am referring to were my friends from way before they were married, if anything was going to happen it would have happened long, long ago.