• Viva Hollywood!, 10:30 p.m.-midnight Sunday, VH1
Viva Hollywood!, VH-1's new reality show for telenovela-star wannabes, is one of those shows that makes TV critics start jabbing thumbs in their own eyes and biting themselves. So let's ease into the subject with a quote taken directly from the show's narration: ''The competition ignites as our hot mamis and hot papis live la vida loca 24/7 in their pursuit of the grand prize!'' How many clichés and stereotypes and mixed metaphors and general stupidities can you count in that sentence? Hint: If you haven't used all your fingers and toes, you're not done yet.
The idea, if I may be forgiven for the horrible degradation of the word, behind VivaHollywood! is that 12 stupid, self-absorbed and utterly untalented young people -- three of them from South Florida -- are locked up in a house together while competing for $100,000 and a role in a novela on Telemundo, which has evidently fallen on hard times.
Give Viva Hollywood! credit: It's the first reality show to admit how phony it is. The contestants are told right up front that they're being judged not only on their performance in various acting tests but also their ''ability to create a memorable persona'' -- that is, to engage in all the smarmy pseudo-sexuality and junior Machiavellian posing they've seen on shows like The Real World and Big Brother. Advises chief judge Maria Conchita Alonso: ``The cameras are always rolling, so take advantage of it.''
And do they! The first episode of Viva Hollywood! is 90 minutes of sleazy hook-ups, binge drinking and pointless cruelty to other contestants, all performed with an eye cocked to the camera. VH1 and sister network MTV are television's closest thing to open sewage lines, and, in that respect, at least, Viva Hollywood! does not disappoint.
''My first sexual encounter with a woman was when I was 9,'' says one contestant as he's introducing himself to the others. Later, learning that Alonso will be the judge, he reminisces fondly about staging a personal Pee Wee Herman-style Olympics while watching her on TV. Sure hope the producers showed her that clip before she shook hands with him.
