10:35 p.m.: I'm sitting in bed watching Diners, Drive-ins and Dives on the Food Network. My mom calls me on my cellphone and instantly adopts an accusatory tone when she learns I'm ''wasting time'' front of the TV.

I moved away from home 18 years ago but my parents are still trying to exhibit a level of control. Like a rebellious teenager, I rush my mom off the phone and show her who's boss by going out on a ``school night.''

11:31 p.m.: I pull my car into a spot behind the Upper Deck Ale & Sports Grille at 906 E. Hallandale Beach Blvd. Passing by the patio bar, which is four or five feet above street level, I hear girls giggling and guys cheering, clinking beer bottles and high-fiving. They're watching sports highlights on one of the 16 outdoor TVs while industrial strength fans spin furiously in an attempt to add a breeze to this summer evening.

Strands of white holiday lights snake around the canopy and provide the bulk of the light for this boisterous bunch. Upbeat '80s music, which you probably wouldn't tolerate on your home stereo, pops out of tinny-sounding speakers.

11:33 p.m.: Just like Bobby DeNiro in Ronin, I like to case a place before sitting down, so I head first to the restroom. Many banners drape down from the ceiling. I notice UM, UF and FSU near the Miami Heat and Dolphins. These banners seem fresh out-of-the-box, a refreshing change to the tattered ones you usually see hanging in sports bars.

11:37 p.m.: I take a seat at the marble rectangular bar and start scribbling notes into my bite-sized composition book. The blond bartender, per usual, eyeballs this oddity and wants to know what I'm doing.

I 'fess up to my intentions and she smiles, introduces herself (Shannon), fills my order and then twirls away to help another patron who sat down a moment after me. She asks him how his evening is going and, unlike the standard run-of-the-mill bartender, actually seems interested in his response. Shannon introduces him to me and then to three woman sitting on the other side of the bar. If your intentions are to drink alone, like George Thorogood's protagonist, avoid the Upper Deck.

This bar wouldn't necessarily be classified as upscale, but it certainly isn't dark or dingy or filled with delinquents. It's well lit by high-hats, red fixtures resembling elongated nuclear power plants and the glow of 35 TVs tuned to sports.

12:40 a.m.: The seventh person walks in asking if the kitchen is still open. Shannon directs them to the Flashback Diner around the corner (open 24/7).

The Upper Deck serves food until 11:30 p.m. and closes its doors to drinkers at 2 a.m. Bud, Bud Light, Shock Top, Heineken and Sam Adams are on tap. Shock Top is Bud's answer to Coors' Blue Moon and for a limited time, get it for $4.

Sixty wines are also available as well as generous pours from the Jager machine. If you're feeling more cosmopolitan, choose from the list of 25 signature martinis. The Kiss on the Lips is mixed with Iceberg Vodka, Chambord, vanilla liqueur and a splash of cranberry juice. And if you're looking for someone new to kiss, you won't have to search farther than the singles scene here. Drinks are only a buck for the ladies on Wednesday's Ladies Night and a fairly serious singing crowd assembles every Friday evening for karaoke.

12:50 a.m.: I've reached my wit's end with the conservative '80s music. I hop up three steps to the adjacent dining area where I find two pool tables, two video games and thankfully, a Touch Tunes jukebox. I play War Pigs followed by four other screamers with the potential to inspire a riot. Unfortunately though, the radio doesn't cut out and I'm forced to listen to my Black Sabbath interlaced with a Debbie Gibson sound-alike..

Around noon the following day, my mom calls to make sure I got home safely. I tell her that I was sleeping by 1:30 a.m. (which is a complete lie because I was gambling at Gulfstream Park, which is next door to the Upper Deck, until 3).

COMING UP

• The incredibly funny Pablo Francisco performs tonight through Sunday at the Improv in the Hard Rock. Click to www.improvftl.com or call 954-981-5653 for show times and ticket prices.

• Tonight at Alligator Alley (1321 E. Commercial Blvd.), catch Chathamfest with The Eat, Charlie Pickett, Mr. Entertainment, Stan Still Dance Band, Boise Bob and Johnny Tonite. Show starts at 10 p.m. $5 at the door.

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