Dave Barry: Put up hurricane shutters for the political wind

I figured out what the Florida primary reminds me of: A hurricane.

A tall order, grammatically

Join us now for another rendition of "Ask Mister Language Person, " the only grammar column mentioned by name in the Bible, as well as the official grammar column of the American Association of English Teachers in the Staff Lounge Counting the Days Until Retirement.

The right to bear clubs

Every now and then somebody thinks up a new idea that is so totally revolutionary that it just totally revolutionizes everything. For example, in 1905 Albert Einstein stunned the scientific community when he announced that ''e'' is equal to ''mc squared.'' Until that point, scientists had no idea what ''e'' was equal to.

The gravity of skiing

I haven't attempted to ski for years, but recently I decided to take another stab at it. I was hoping they'd done something about the gravity problem.

Humor

Dave Barry’s 2011 Year in Review

Battle of the bulge, a tangled web and economic disaster far and wide

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE THE MORNING AFTER

'Twas the night before Christmas. Or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever religious holiday your particular family unit celebrates at this time of year via mass retail purchases....

AND TO ALL A GOOD FA LA LA

Let's all get into the Holiday Spirit, as expressed by the festive song heard so very often on the radio at this time of year:

Gender gap is a true gift

This is the time of year when a lot of women (by which I mean my wife) complain that women do WAY more holiday stuff than men do. Which is true. On any given day during the holidays, my wife wraps more presents than I have wrapped in my entire life.

Dave Barry’s Gift Guide

Unique presents for 2011 include a toad purse, a wearable wine ‘rack’ and a stocking full of knives

The DaVinci Code

I have written a blockbuster novel. My inspiration was The DaVinci Code by Dan Brown, which has sold 253 trillion copies in hardcover because it's such a compelling page-turner. NOBODY can put this book down:

By the way, those turkey snakes have giant fangs, too

In the newspaper business (motto: "Trust Us! We're English Majors!") we have high standards of accuracy. Before we print anything, we make sure that:

Mr. Fixit strikes again

I was walking through my bedroom on a recent Sunday morning when I suddenly had a feeling that something was wrong. I'm not sure how I knew; perhaps it was a "sixth sense" I've developed after years of home ownership. Or perhaps it was the fact that there was water coming out of the ceiling.

Real men never miss their afternoon naps

Today we present: Masculine Medical News For Men. Our first item concerns what could be the most significant medical discovery for men since the invention of the electric nose-hair trimmer.

Your child deserves a Halloween costume by Calvin Klein

Halloween is coming, and you parents know what that means! It means it's time for you to make fun and creative costumes for your kids! Otherwise you are not as good as the other parents.

Pick-up lines will save the world

So I was at this party, and I wound up at a table where three attractive single women were complaining about - Surprise! - men. Specifically, they were complaining about the pickup lines that had been used on them in a bar a few nights earlier.

THE OAF OF OFFICE

June is almost here, and once again I'm looking to perform a wedding ceremony. I can legally do this in Florida, because I happen to be - this is true - a notary public. I am darned proud of this accomplishment. They do not bestow the title of notary public upon just any random dork. You have to be a specific dork who sent in an application.

TIME OUT!

There are two kinds of people in the world, and I am one of them.

They fly, they swarm, and they're headed our way

Ruby Bunch lives all alone. She has a little house on a little plot of land in Seffner, Fla., a little town just east of Tampa. She's been there since 1944. She's 75. She's a widow. Living alone.She says she's not afraid of the things in her lawn. "They don't bother me, " she says. "They're quite clean, you know, they don't leave slime, like the others."

Why sports is a drag

Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, dating back to the time, millions of years ago, when the first primitive man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first primitive umpire. What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as mine.