Dave Barry’s Guide to Holiday Gifts

It’s time for our annual list of strange and shocking items to purchase for your nearest and dearest this season

Does every shower need a nose-shaped gel dispenser? You're asking us?

DAVE BARRY'S GIFT GUIDE 2009

Dear Santa, please pay no attention to this list

In these troubled economic times, when money is scarce for many people, it's important that we remind ourselves, and our loved ones, that the holiday season is not about buying things. Then we and our loved ones can enjoy a hearty laugh, because, of COURSE the holiday season is about buying things.

Talking Fly Swatter

$14.99 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, www.amazon.com Suggested by John DeGroff of Warsaw, Ind. Here's a situation you've probably found yourself in numerous times: You have killed an insect with a fly swatter, and you naturally wish to mark the occasion by triumphantly mocking the dead insect with a clever and cutting remark. If you're using an ordinary fly swatter, you have to make the remark yourself, manually. But not if you're using the talking fly swatter! This ingenious product...

Wearable Sleeping Bag

89 plus shipping and handling from Barmans Ltd., Saxon Way Industrial Estate, Melbourn, Hertfordshire, SG8 6DN, UK, 0870-428-0958, www.drinkstuff.com

Hug Me Pillow

$29.99 plus shipping and handling from Overstock, www.overstock.com Suggested by Laura Seay of Austin, Texas This is the perfect gift to give when you want to send the heartfelt message: ``You pathetic loser.''

Restroom Baby-hanger

$69.99 plus shipping and handling from Mommysentials, LLC, P.O. Box 2507, Woodinville, Wash. 98072-2507, 877-878-2796, www.mommysentials.com

The Uroclub

$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Matco, 866-999-4876, www.uroclub.org Suggested by Steve Wallace of Colorado Springs, Colo. Where do golfers go to the bathroom?

Head Spa Massager

$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Edmund Scientific, 60 Pearce Ave., Tonawanda, N.Y. 14150, 800-728-6999; www.scientificsonline.com

Pet Highchair

$59.99 plus shipping and handling from Target, 800-591-3869, www.target.com Suggested by Annie Eitman of Moorpark, Calif. Meal time is usually very sad for dogs, because they are confined to the floor, like some kind of domestic animal or something, while the humans get to sit up at the table, where the food is.

Gun-Shaped Egg Fryer

$7.95 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, www.amazon.com Suggested by LaDawn Haws of Chico, Calif. Sometimes we look at a product, and we think: ''I would never have thought of that product in a million years without the aid of powerful narcotics.'' This is such a product. It's a mold, made of stainless steel, that enables you to fry an egg in the shape of a pistol!

Razorba 'War Hammer' Back Razor

$69.95 plus shipping and handling from Razorba/Swamiware LLC, Ann Arbor, Mich., 888-755-6386; www.razorba.com Suggested by Gail Orsillo of Lynnwood, Wash.

Gassy Gus Flatulence Game

$26.22 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, www.amazon.com Suggested by Dorothy Stein of Miami Here's a fun game that will provide hours of entertainment for the whole family, provided that nobody in the family has an IQ higher than 40.