Camouflage Toilet Seat

Picture this scenario: You are a hunter in the forest. You need to kill a deer so you can tie it to your car and take it home and put it in your freezer and enjoy many hearty meals of venison at a cost of — when you factor in the price of your gear, your hunting trip, and your divorce because your wife really hates venison — $13,687 per pound.

"Rear Gear" Pet Coverup

We can all agree that dogs and cats make wonderful companions who bring great joy into our lives when they are not throwing up in our underwear drawers. However, we also can all agree that household pets tend to be immodest:

Emergency Brassiere Face Mask

This is the perfect gift for the lady on your holiday list who (1) has breasts, and (2) does not wish to die from inhaling bad things.

Body Perks Brand Nipple Enhancers

This is the perfect gift for the gal on your holiday gift list who would like to appear perkier in the gazombular region.

The "Flair Hair" Visor

Here’s the perfect gift for the balding man on your holiday list who wants to keep the sun out of his eyes while at the same time appearing to have developed some kind of giant carnivorous scalp fungus.

Electric Drums T-Shirt

Do you have any musical people on your holiday gift list? We’re talking about the kind of people who are always humming, whistling, or drumming on their desks, to the point where their co-workers want to beat them to death with their office chairs.

The Better Marriage Anti-Flatulence Blanket

The Better Marriage Blanket is designed to improve marital bliss by absorbing odors emitted by a sleeping married person (it also works for sleeping unmarried persons).

Hand-Crank Siren

This is the ultimate gift for the person on your list who is concerned about personal safety, or simply enjoys attracting attention. This is a hand-cranked siren that, once you get it really cranking, can be heard a quarter of a mile away.

The Maniki Butt Bra for Men

We swear we are not making up the Maniki Butt Bra. This is a buttocks-support garment for men, developed by the same company that makes the Biniki, a.k.a. "the Butt Bra for women."

Gadget Holster

These days almost everybody carries a lot of gadgets — cellphones, iPads, iPods, electric nostril trimmers, Tasers, etc. Women can carry these gadgets in their purses, but men cannot carry purses unless they are willing to run the risk of appearing — not that there is anything wrong with it — French.

The Pillow Tie

A man wearing a necktie makes an important statement about himself. That statement is: "I am wearing an idiotic garment around my neck."

Dave Barry’s Guide to Holiday Gifts

It’s time for our annual list of strange and shocking items to purchase for your nearest and dearest this season

DAVE BARRY'S GIFT GUIDE 2009

Dear Santa, please pay no attention to this list

In these troubled economic times, when money is scarce for many people, it's important that we remind ourselves, and our loved ones, that the holiday season is not about buying things. Then we and our loved ones can enjoy a hearty laugh, because, of COURSE the holiday season is about buying things.

The Uroclub

$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Matco, 866-999-4876, www.uroclub.org Suggested by Steve Wallace of Colorado Springs, Colo. Where do golfers go to the bathroom?