Christmas Stocking Full of Knives

$39.99 plus shipping and handling from Smoky Mountain Knife Works, 2320 Winfield Dunn Pkwy., P.O. Box 4430, Sevierville, Tenn. 37864, 800-251-9306, www.smkw.com Photo Gallery Available

Remote-controlled Shocking Tanks

The trouble with most games is that even when you win, you cannot inflict physical pain on your opponent. Take Monopoly. You spend all that time throwing dice and moving your little board piece around, and you finally win, and what do you have to show for it? A hotel on Ventnor Avenue? That’s not enough! Photo Gallery Available

"Rear Gear" Pet Coverup

We can all agree that dogs and cats make wonderful companions who bring great joy into our lives when they are not throwing up in our underwear drawers. However, we also can all agree that household pets tend to be immodest:

Emergency Brassiere Face Mask

This is the perfect gift for the lady on your holiday list who (1) has breasts, and (2) does not wish to die from inhaling bad things.

Body Perks Brand Nipple Enhancers

This is the perfect gift for the gal on your holiday gift list who would like to appear perkier in the gazombular region.

The "Flair Hair" Visor

Here’s the perfect gift for the balding man on your holiday list who wants to keep the sun out of his eyes while at the same time appearing to have developed some kind of giant carnivorous scalp fungus.

Eric Vazquez (guitar), Josh Langlois (drummer) and Jon Burstein (drum shirt) of the band "Jump the Gun"

Electric Drums T-Shirt

Do you have any musical people on your holiday gift list? We’re talking about the kind of people who are always humming, whistling, or drumming on their desks, to the point where their co-workers want to beat them to death with their office chairs.

The Better Marriage Anti-Flatulence Blanket

The Better Marriage Blanket is designed to improve marital bliss by absorbing odors emitted by a sleeping married person (it also works for sleeping unmarried persons).

Hand-Crank Siren

This is the ultimate gift for the person on your list who is concerned about personal safety, or simply enjoys attracting attention. This is a hand-cranked siren that, once you get it really cranking, can be heard a quarter of a mile away.

The Maniki Butt Bra for Men

We swear we are not making up the Maniki Butt Bra. This is a buttocks-support garment for men, developed by the same company that makes the Biniki, a.k.a. "the Butt Bra for women." Photo Gallery Available

Gadget Holster

These days almost everybody carries a lot of gadgets — cellphones, iPads, iPods, electric nostril trimmers, Tasers, etc. Women can carry these gadgets in their purses, but men cannot carry purses unless they are willing to run the risk of appearing — not that there is anything wrong with it — French.

The Pillow Tie

A man wearing a necktie makes an important statement about himself. That statement is: "I am wearing an idiotic garment around my neck."

BARK4BEER Dog-Collar Bottle Opener

How many times have you wanted to open a beer, but you didn’t have a bottle opener handy, and you couldn’t go find one for some reason, such as you were unable to stand up? If that happens a lot, then the Bark4Beer dog collar is the answer.

Camouflage Toilet Seat

Picture this scenario: You are a hunter in the forest. You need to kill a deer so you can tie it to your car and take it home and put it in your freezer and enjoy many hearty meals of venison at a cost of — when you factor in the price of your gear, your hunting trip, and your divorce because your wife really hates venison — $13,687 per pound.

Dave Barry Gift Guide