IN MY OPINION

Must-see TV: 'Dancing' tops the Dolphins

BY LINDA ROBERTSON

lrobertson@MiamiHerald.com

Could we all give a standing ovation to the one Miami Dolphin who can restore the aura of respect, class and, frankly, intimidation that the team once commanded?

How about a set of perfect 10s for Jason Taylor, the man most likely to bring a trophy back to the humbled and starved fans of South Florida?

OK, so it's a mirrored disco ball trophy, not the Super Bowl trophy. And he's contending for the championship of Dancing With the Stars, not for an NFL title.

But it is something. On Monday night, the sixth-season premiere of Dancing With the Stars was certainly more entertaining than any game of the Dolphins' 1-15 season. At least it was competitive. At least the dancers had a game plan, which is more than you can say for the worst team in the NFL. At least you could watch it and cheer, even smile, even laugh, doubled over. At least you could invest your emotions in an outcome that truly matters.

It's DWTS. It's American TV at its most popular. It's American culture at its peak. Taylor knows what's at stake. He's got to win.

''My biggest thing has been letting go of that macho bubble,'' said Taylor, the All-Pro defensive end. His poker buddies gave him a pink tutu to help him embrace his new role. 'It takes a real man to say, `I'm going to go out there and dance.' ''

Taylor left behind the choreographed violence of football for the choreographed cheese of ballroom dancing.

But there is nothing effete about this art. You want aggressive? You should have seen the whiplash-inducing head turns, exaggerated hair flips and thrusting hips. Not to mention the high-heeled roundhouse kicks of Cheryl Burke and Karina Smirnoff in their renditions of the cha-cha that could take out any linebacker.

You want sound and fury, swirling colors, glistening skin? DWTS promises to be ''hotter, sexier and steamier'' than ever before. You should have seen the sparkly costumes that would make any Las Vegas showgirl blush. And how about the spray tans that make everyone look as if they've been dipped in a vat of Chicken McNuggets grease.

Taylor was sweating and breathing heavily after his fox trot with partner Edyta Sliwinska, the Polish vixen who has starred on every season of DWTS. He has spent the past month practicing up to six hours per day with her. He has learned more from her than he did in eight months with coach Cam Cameron. So who can blame Taylor if he's coy about his future with the Dolphins?

Taylor is in second place with 22 points after half of the first round, trailing only R&B singer Mario. The female celebrities dance with their pro partners Tuesday.

Taylor, looking like a head waiter in a slate blue shirt and charcoal vest and slacks, was stiff but elegant and precise as he and Sliwinska did the weave, feather step and zig-zag across the floor. She wore a royal blue get-up that resembled a formal gown altered by a strip club owner. The satin gloves added a touch of class.

Not exactly Fred and Ginger, but no gaffes. Judge Bruno ''Molto!'' Tonioli, who usually gives 10s to everybody, gave them a seven, and said, ``You are the most graceful tackler I've ever seen, with a gorgeous line. But you're lacking romance, heat. Work on that for the next rounds.''

ATHLETES ON A ROLL

Male athletes have won three titles in a row: running back Emmitt Smith, speedskater Apolo Anton Ohno and race car driver Helio Castroneves. That bodes well for Taylor, except that one of his opponents is Olympic gold medalist figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi. She knows choreography, she knows judging and she knows how to wear outlandish costumes.

Monica Seles is also a proven competitor. But the grunting could be a huge turnoff.

Let's mention other athletes we'd love to see on DWTS:

• Barry Bonds: Mr. Personality would be a natural because he exudes such charm. Problem finding a top hat due to his giant expanding head.

• Tom Brady: New England Patriots quarterback could stumble through every routine but swooning voters would still put him on top.

• Serena Williams: The self-described ''bootylicious'' tennis star, who once wore go-go boots during a U.S. Open warmup, might wear a revealing dress designed by sis Venus.

• Lance Armstrong: He would train with unparalleled obsession. He'd look especially dapper in a yellow tuxedo. But doping rumors would plague his appearance, forcing the show to institute urine tests. Armstrong then would sue the producers and judges.

• Kimbo Slice: Mixed martial arts madman could introduce daring carries, throws and writhing-on-the-floor moves, but would his partner survive?

• Oscar De La Hoya: Could fill the designated ''Latino'' slot. Also would be more than willing to wear his female partner's costume.

HE'S A FAVORITE

Right now, Taylor is a favorite. Surely he can beat lead-footed illusionist Penn Jillette or over-the-hill Priscilla Presley, who, let's face it, has been trading on her late husband's name for too long.

While you basketball fans were busy filling out your NCAA brackets Monday, millions more were calling in their DWTS votes, or sending them online, under names such as latinlolita and supersnuggie.

Next week, you've got to stuff the ballot box for Twinkletoes Taylor. He's South Florida's only shot at redemption.