Dolphins, Heat, Marlins and Panthers have played a combined 91 seasons, and here is where the current basketball record and the recent football record rank on the all-time list of our big-four pro sports: 90th and 91st.
We have literally never been worse -- let alone right in a miserable row -- than the .063 winning percentage the Dolphins suffered with last season's 1-15 record overlapping the .170 mark that the Heat's present 9-44 record represents.
Fortunately, the epic misery has its reward, and so let's figure out here what the Dolphins and Heat could be doing in the upcoming NFL and NBA drafts, with a bit of absolutely free advice on what each team should be thinking.
Can't afford to blow this one, Bill Parcells and Pat Riley. Your future-Hall of Fame reputations are in play. The Dolphins own the No. 1 overall pick for the first time since launch-year 1966 and odds are the Heat will have its highest pick in franchise history (maybe also a No. 1 overall), so we're not expecting pretty-good or might-be-great here, Tuna and Riles. We're expecting years and years of huge impact commencing immediately. If not sooner.
No pressure, though!
Let's start with the Heat, and be fairly assured that the consolation for Riley's desolation is that he lapses eventually each night into sweet dreams of Michael Beasley.
Kansas State's 6-9, 235-pound freshman phenomenon is a high-scoring, do-it-all power forward with those long arms that Riley loves. He averages 26.1 points and 12.5 rebounds and would today be a national player of the year front-runner if his team was in the Top 25.
That Beasley will be an NBA superstar is roughly as certain as the likelihood he will declare for the draft. Can you picture Beasley with Dwyane Wade and Shawn Marion? Bet that Riley has. It's enough to make you see the good in all of these heartbreaking defeats that move Miami ever closer to the mathematical probability of Beasley.
The Heat will have favorable options even if the team's lottery luck proves as bad as its on-court luck and it can't land the draft's top prize. Chances are either Memphis' Derrick Rose, the draft's best pure point guard, or Texas A&M's 7-foot DeAndre Jordan, the highest-rated center, might then be available to Miami.
Beasley should be the Heat's one-man wish list, though.
If only the Dolphins' draft was as clearly defined.
There is little question that Parcells will and should entertain offers for a trade-down, borne of both the lack of conviction on whom to draft No. 1 and the desire to stockpile additional picks to better serve the massive rebuilding ahead.
The thing is, finding teams willing to trade up to No. 1 will be tough. It's difficult to justify giving draft picks for the right to take on a cripplingly big contract -- especially this year.
NO NEED TO TRADE
Why? Because any of five players -- Boston College quarterback Matt Ryan, Virginia defensive end Chris Long, Arkansas running back Darren McFadden, LSU defensive tackle Glenn Dorsey and Michigan offensive tackle Jake Long -- could be worthy of the No. 1 pick. That means teams interested in any of them might feel they need only trade up into the top five, not spend what it would take to move up to No. 1.
Miami's intentions figure to be inscrutable right up to the April draft because Parcells' best chance to find a trading partner is to convince other teams the Dolphins might draft any of those five players.
Which the Dolphins might, so broad are their needs.
So who should the Dolphins draft?
That's easy.
Matt Ryan.
He is the one player whose impact is most apt to be greatest, simply because quarterback is the most important position, and the one of Miami's sorest need ever since Dan Marino faded then retired.
If Miami's new regime isn't convinced John Beck is the QB of the future, but is sold on Ryan, then he would be a No. 1 pick well-spent. (In which case, Beck might have trade value).
There is no better focal point or foundation for rebuilding than a franchise quarterback. No more direct path from chump to champ.
Chris Long? Sorry, Howie, but if Miami -- with all its greater needs -- believes Jason Taylor has another couple of big-sack seasons left, this is neither the most pressing need nor the smartest long-range pick.
McFadden would be a sexy choice, except that Miami has a presumably healthy Ronnie Brown back in addition to the likely latest comeback of Ricky Williams. Remember that Brown was on a Pro Bowl-type tear before his injury last year.
Dorsey? No. There are injury questions. Plus, I doubt Miami would want to spend No. 1 dollars for a space-eating interior lineman, which Dorsey would be in Miami's 3-4 defensive alignment.
Jake Long? A great left tackle would be tempting, a solid (if somewhat boring) pick. Still, though, a quarterback is more important than anybody paid to block for him.
This franchise last treated quarterback as an absolute priority in 1983.
It's time.
QUARTERBACK NEED
So let's make it Matt Ryan to the Dolphins in April, then, Michael Beasley to the Heat in June, and happier days are here again!
OK, I've done my part, Parcells and Riley, you guys take it from here.
Now that I've fixed the Dolphins and Heat I need to move on to this global warming thing.
