I wish animals could speak our language, even understanding the risk that our pet dogs would bore us to madness with the nonstop declarative, ''Feed me!'' I prefer to imagine a more intelligent dialogue. Think Brian the dog on TV's Family Guy. Or, for the higher-minded, Boxer the heroic horse from Orwell's AnimalFarm.
I wish animals could talk because they surely would rise up at a time like this and protest against those who would ostensibly protest on their behalf. I'm talking to you, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. I believe the beasts you defend so outlandishly would embrace your support about as warmly as Barack Obama would welcome a nominating speech by The Rev. Jeremiah Wright.
It is fine for humans to blast the latest knee-jerk proclamations of PETA, which would blame jockey Gabriel Saez for the tragic death of filly Eight Belles in Saturday's Kentucky Derby and demand to abolish all of horse racing on account of it.
I would invite the fallen horse's trainer, Larry Jones, as a spokesman for the human community, because what can be better said of PETA's latest nonsense than him calling it ``really and truly the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of.''
BIG BROWN SPEAKS
Imagine the emotional heft, though, if, for example, the panel on NBC's Meet the Press this week included Derby winner Big Brown. No doubt the horse's ears would twitch violently at Tim Russert's mere mention of PETA.
''We mourn as a racing community for Eight Belles and feel for the jockey on her saddle that day,'' Big Brown would tell Russert. ``The tragedy is compounded by baseless allegations. Can't those PETA people get back into their chicken outfits to picket a KFC and leave us alone?''
As an equine-interest sidebar to the story, lesser horses envious of the racing thoroughbreds surely would be interviewed -- horses that understand that none of their kind is raised, groomed or treated better (medically, nutritionally or otherwise) than those that get to wear the crown for the king of sports.
''Man, I would have given anything to have been able to go down that path and make it to the Derby, even considering the risks,'' would go the Nightline interview with a horse named Pepe, seen wearing a straw fedora and tottering up a hillside with a 300-pound tourist on board.
PETA, a group that made its dubious name by tossing fake blood onto people wearing fur coats, seems entirely more successful at self-promotion than accomplishing anything real.
On its website, the group had most recently been fomenting outrage over the fact a live chimpanzee was being used in the new movie Speed Racer. ''What are they talking about?'' the chimp said. ``I enjoyed the hell out of that taping. Christina Ricci was hot.''
Now the group makes horse racing its flavor of the week and said Saez should be suspended, claiming he should have noticed Eight Belles' injury and pulled the filly up rather than applying the whip.
The fact is, the horse ran strong until the end, finishing second, before breaking both forward ankles as she slowed after the finish in what, by all accounts, was a freak happenstance no one could have reasonably seen coming.
Facts be damned by PETA, though, which all but accused Saez, a 20-year-old from Panama, of murdering the horse.
That is reckless. Heartless, too.
STUPID PROTEST
Others of the group protested Tuesday outside the offices of the Kentucky Horse Racing Commission. One of the signs read, ''Stop racing horses to the grave!'' Points for melodrama, if not accuracy.
Of course, most race horses compete only a few years and then retire to lives of leisure or a stud farm. Tragedies such as those that befell Barbaro and now Eight Belles do occur and never fail to move us; those beasts carry themselves so nobly and with something close to elegance.
But there are fewer than two deaths per 1,000 starts, and that number is dropping with the advancement of synthetic surfaces.
Race cars sometimes crash, with devastating results. Race horses sometimes do the same. Boxers risk brain injuries. Football player Kevin Everett nearly was paralyzed in a game last year. Panthers star Olli Jokinen almost accidentally killed a teammate with his skate blade this past season.
Sports of violence or thundering speed occasionally see horrible accidents that should make us not surrender to the risks, but redouble efforts to make the sports safer and safer -- as safe as possible.
In the meantime, let the requiem bells for Eight Belles sound with dignity, not with the hectoring disturbance of misguided protests or blame.
''Let her rest in peace,'' the horses might say, if they could.
