Dave Barry's Gift Guide: 14 items guaranteed to inspire 'Oh, you shouldn't have'

Why do we give gifts during the holiday season? We do it for a reason that is as timeless as humanity itself: women. Women have an overpowering biological need to mark pretty much every occasion, including sunset, by wrapping a gift and giving it to somebody, along with a card.

'Firm Grip' Brand Butt Glue

$17.99 plus shipping and handling from The Queen's Choice, 2059 Listravia Ave., Morgantown, W. Va. 26505, 304-296-3294, www.queenschoice.com
Disaster Preparedness Activity Books

Free from FEMA Distribution Center, P.O. Box 2012, 8231 Stayton Dr., Jessup, Md. 20794-2012, 800-480-2520, www.fema.gov Suggested by Jon Harris
The Uroclub

$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Matco, 866-999-4876, www.uroclub.org Suggested by Steve Wallace of Colorado Springs, Colo. Where do golfers go to the bathroom?
Hug Me Pillow

$29.99 plus shipping and handling from Overstock, www.overstock.com Suggested by Laura Seay of Austin, Texas This is the perfect gift to give when you want to send the heartfelt message: ``You pathetic loser.''
Head Spa Massager

$49.95 plus shipping and handling from Edmund Scientific, 60 Pearce Ave., Tonawanda, N.Y. 14150, 800-728-6999; www.scientificsonline.com
Restroom Baby-hanger

$69.99 plus shipping and handling from Mommysentials, LLC, P.O. Box 2507, Woodinville, Wash. 98072-2507, 877-878-2796, www.mommysentials.com
Razorba 'War Hammer' Back Razor

$69.95 plus shipping and handling from Razorba/Swamiware LLC, Ann Arbor, Mich., 888-755-6386; www.razorba.com Suggested by Gail Orsillo of Lynnwood, Wash.
Pet Highchair

$59.99 plus shipping and handling from Target, 800-591-3869, www.target.com Suggested by Annie Eitman of Moorpark, Calif. Meal time is usually very sad for dogs, because they are confined to the floor, like some kind of domestic animal or something, while the humans get to sit up at the table, where the food is.
Zombie Yard Sculpture

$89.95 plus shipping and handling from Design Toscano, 1400 Morse Ave., Elk Grove Village, Ill. 60007, 800-525-5141, www.designtoscano.com
Gassy Gus Flatulence Game

$26.22 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, www.amazon.com Suggested by Dorothy Stein of Miami Here's a fun game that will provide hours of entertainment for the whole family, provided that nobody in the family has an IQ higher than 40.
Gun-Shaped Egg Fryer

$7.95 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, www.amazon.com Suggested by LaDawn Haws of Chico, Calif. Sometimes we look at a product, and we think: ''I would never have thought of that product in a million years without the aid of powerful narcotics.'' This is such a product. It's a mold, made of stainless steel, that enables you to fry an egg in the shape of a pistol!
Talking Fly Swatter

$14.99 plus shipping and handling from Amazon.com, www.amazon.com Suggested by John DeGroff of Warsaw, Ind. Here's a situation you've probably found yourself in numerous times: You have killed an insect with a fly swatter, and you naturally wish to mark the occasion by triumphantly mocking the dead insect with a clever and cutting remark. If you're using an ordinary fly swatter, you have to make the remark yourself, manually. But not if you're using the talking fly swatter! This ingenious product...
Lottery Mate Multi-Purpose Scratch-Off Apparatus

$12.95 plus shipping and handling from WHARRO, LLC, P.O. Box 87278, Canton, Mich. 48187-0278, 877-720-4754, www.mylotterymate.com If you're like most people who spend a lot of time playing state-lottery scratch-off games, you have the IQ of an artichoke. But also you have many times asked yourself, ``Gosh darn it, why can't I have a dedicated surface for scratching my lottery tickets, as well as a place to keep my lucky scratching coin, a storage area for my tickets AND a receptacle to catch these...
Wearable Sleeping Bag

89 plus shipping and handling from Barmans Ltd., Saxon Way Industrial Estate, Melbourn, Hertfordshire, SG8 6DN, UK, 0870-428-0958, www.drinkstuff.com
And a special Thank You to:

And a special Thank You to: Art Institute of Fort Lauderdale Eliane Baily Alisa Bert Debra Brindley Scott Cihak John Paul d'Ayral Isabelle d'Ayral
DAVE BARRY'S GIFT GUIDE 2007

Dave Barry's Holiday Gift Guide

A Dozen Hand(y) Selections for the Humorous Giver
DAVE BARRY GIFT GUIDE 2007

Fake Breathing Puppy

Americans are crazy mad for dogs. These days people take their ''canine companions'' with them everywhere -- on airplanes, into restaurants, to the movies, into the shower, etc. They talk to their dogs all time, buy expensive merchandise for their dogs, hire psychologists for their dogs, and just generally treat their dogs like humans, only better. It is only a matter of time before dogs have the right to vote, at least in California. (They will support Sen. Barbara Boxer. Ha ha!)
DAVE BARRY GIFT GUIDE 2007

Pillow Pal

How often have you said to yourself: ''I need to shoot an intruder, but where the heck did I put my handgun?!'' If you buy this item, you or the armed person on your holiday gift list will always know the answer: It's in your Pillow Pal!
DAVE BARRY GIFT GUIDE 2007

Bra Bag

Without question one of the biggest problems facing humanity today is how to carry spare brassieres. Finally, somebody has come up with a solution: The Bra Bag, or Bra(g).