Dear Santa, please pay no attention to this list

In these troubled economic times, when money is scarce for many people, it's important that we remind ourselves, and our loved ones, that the holiday season is not about buying things. Then we and our loved ones can enjoy a hearty laugh, because, of COURSE the holiday season is about buying things.

Beer pager

How many times has this happened to you? You're at a party where you have enjoyed a number of refreshing beverages in the form of beer. At some point you set your beer down so you can have both hands free to go to the bathroom, or punch somebody, or simply grab something to avoid falling. A few minutes later, you go to retrieve your beer and . . . you can't find it! What the HECK happened to your beer? Also, where are your pants?
Metal-detecting sandals

When you walk on the beach or in a park, do you realize that right under your feet there could be valuable metal objects such as buried pirate treasure? One way to find these objects is to use an old-fashioned metal detector, but these tend to be cumbersome things that make you look like a weirdo loser. That's why we here at the Gift Guide are so excited about these metal-detecting sandals.
Nose shower-gel dispenser

Here's the perfect item for the person who wants to give his or her shower a unique ''designer'' touch. This is a giant rubber nose that sticks to your shower with suction cups. When you squeeze the nose, green shower gel comes oozing out of the nostrils.
Wine glass holder necklace (set of two)

This is the perfect gift for the wine lover, or ''winophile,'' on your holiday gift list. It's a sling that allows you to hang your wine glass around your neck. Not only does this look really classy, but it leaves your hands free to do all those things you need to do when you're carrying a glass of wine around.
Stink-finder ultraviolet light

Here's a gift that sends the cheerful holiday message: ''You are surrounded by disgusting fluids you cannot see.''
Whoppair boxing gloves

The holiday season is a time when we feel great love for humanity in general. But it is also a time when we have the urge to punch out individual humans, especially when they snatch the last copy of the video game Resident Evil IV off the electronics-store shelf just as we get there, which means our child's innocent dream of spending the holidays killing virtual zombies is RUINED.
Poop box

Men, do you have a ''special lady'' on your holiday gift list? Somebody you want to impress with your style and taste? Sure, you could give her expensive perfume or jewelry, but let's face it, those gifts have become holiday clichés. If you really want to make an impression this year, give her this amazing product, which combines the timeless elegance of cardboard with the practical functionality of being a box into which you can relieve yourself.
NFL Garden Gnome

If you're like most fans of the National Football League, you have long been troubled by the fact that you have no way to express your loyalty to your team through yard statuary. Be advised that your nightmare is over, because you can now, at last, purchase official NFL-licensed garden gnomes.
Golf club drink dispenser

You may recall that in last year's Gift Guide, we featured the UroClub, which looks like a regular golf club but is actually a cleverly disguised hollow tube that a male golfer can relieve himself into while out on the golf course. This year, we have the ideal companion for the UroClub: The Golf Club Drink Dispenser. This also looks like a golf club, but it, too, is actually a hollow tube; it holds 48 ounces of liquid and has a pump dispenser on top. So now you can enjoy a refreshing beverage while you're playing golf, and when you feel the ''call of nature,'' you can relieve yourself into your UroClub!
Jerky pistol

Many people believe that the only way to get jerky is to buy it pre-manufactured from a store. But there's a better way: you can make your own jerky at home, using this handsome Jerky Pistol, which looks like a weapon from an early episode of Star Trek.
Educational sperm snow globe

Here's a gift that is both fun and educational for the youngster on your list. Basically, this is a snow globe, but when you shake it, instead of artificial snowflakes, there are artificial sperm cells swimming around. At least we hope they're artificial, because they're the size of tadpoles, so if they're real, we do not want to meet the man they came from.