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Land of the frozen earwax

(part 1 of 2 parts)

At 10 p.m. it was still light outside, but I was exhausted, so I trudged the two blocks back to my hotel, keeping a wary eye out for moose and other dangerous urban criminal elements. Yes, Alaska does have crime. I know this because alert Alaskan reader Jenny Leguineche has sent me selected excerpts from Dispatch Alaska, a section of The Anchorage Daily News that reprints news items from other newspapers around the state. Here are some actual items:

From The Seward Phoenix: ``Male reported that his dog was stolen from his residence and he had a ransom note.''

From The Sitka Daily Sentinel: ``A man was reported to be beating on a boy, but the two turned out to be having a dandelion fight.''

From The Skagway News: ``A business owner reported that someone broke the hand off her mannequin. A possible suspect may be a man with a blue-and-yellow shirt, sandy-colored hair and a long, skinny neck who walks humped over.''

And finally, we have these two alarming items from The Petersburg Pilot: ``A caller reported that he had received a report regarding someone speeding in a forklift at Chatham Strait Seafoods.''

A caller reported that he had returned to his residence where he was staying and a ball was missing from the front porch. The caller stated that neighbors had seen an individual ``take the ball and use knives on it.''

Despite this crime wave, I made it safely back to the hotel, where I was able -- call it instinct -- to locate my room. I immediately went to bed so as to rest my body for further Alaskan adventures, which could, I knew, require me to actually leave the hotel vicinity. But that is the price you pay when you possess the kind of pioneering spirit exemplified by men such as Lewis and Clark, both of whom -- and don't try to tell me this is coincidence -- are dead.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK for Part Two of this series, featuring glaciers and a terrifying encounter with Binky the Tourist-Eating Bear.

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