So we're talking about a powerful new technology here, and I've been pondering how it can best be used to benefit humanity in general, and I think I've figured out the ultimate use for The Ultimate Water Gun: Cigar Control.

As you know, cigars are now the ''in'' thing, with hip, fashionable, ''with-it'' sophisticates lighting up in restaurants and bars, apparently not realizing that, to the many, many people who don't care for cigars, it smells as though somebody has set an armpit on fire. (I am referring here to your cheaper cigar. Your more expensive cigar smells as though somebody has set a more expensive armpit on fire.)

Of course, polite cigar smokers (and there are many) refrain from lighting up where others will unwillingly smell their smoke. But there seems to be a growing group of people -- let's reach deep into our bag of euphemisms and call them ''jerks'' -- who seem to enjoy lighting up in public places; who talk loudly and proudly about their cigars, as if they truly believe that the rest of us are impressed with a person capable of emitting this level of stench.

So picture this: You're in a restaurant, and a jerk lights up, and suddenly all the food tastes like cigar. You're wishing that somebody (not you; you don't want any trouble) would tell this guy exactly what he can do with his cigar; just then-wham! -- the door bursts open, and there he is, his silver coat reflecting the candlelight -- the Cigar Avenger! His gold helmet turns slowly, scanning the room, and suddenly he squeezes his hand trigger and -- whooossh! -- the jerk is drenched from head to foot, with what looks like a wad of dead seaweed hanging limply from his clenched teeth.

As the surrounding diners break into applause, the jerk (he might be a lawyer) sputters: ``This restaurant has no policy against cigar smoking!''

And the Cigar Avenger calmly replies: ``This restaurant also has no policy against extinguishing cigars with a powerful stream of water from a helmet-mounted spray nozzle.''

And then, in a twinkle of silver, he is gone. Probably he is gone to get a hernia operation, because that thing is heavy.

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