THE DATING GAME

Always remember who's your best girl

By FRED GONZALEZ

fgonzalez@MiamiHerald.com

When you're a single guy, there is usually one woman you can always count on (and, no, I'm not talking about Chastity at your friendly, neighborhood strip club).

I'm talking about your mom.

If mom isn't around, maybe an aunt or grandmother is close to you or helped raise you. But they are there, unconditionally, as a litmus test for your dating experiences.

Several times I have been on dates in Miami and wondered, ``Would I take her home to meet mom?''

Sometimes the answer is flat out ''no''. You realize right away your mother would not approve. (But let's not kid ourselves -- those also can be some of the more exciting dates.)

Then there are the dates who would win your mom's OK, so you try and turn it into an anti-mom approved evening, encouraging her to dance on top of the bar.

Moms can also make it challenging to leave a relationship because they know one way to a man's heart is through his stomach. One friend of mine dated a woman for five years, and their relationship was like a roller coaster with so many ups and downs and corkscrews and loops, it left even his friends dizzy. But the one constant in the relationship was her mother's cooking.

Whenever he came over to visit (she lived with her mom), there was always a helping of Southern-style food -- from country-fried steaks to small sandwiches called ham delights. Now don't think he was secretly dating her mother. My friend just became so attached to her cooking he considered it a ''pro'' whenever he would make up his Pro-Con breakup or stay-together list. Eventually they broke up and the next week he signed up for cooking classes.

When you are single and living far from your mother, she always wants to make sure her son is eating right, not drinking at all, and living in a clean place. My mom had come into town for a family member's funeral (perhaps it should have been mine by the time the day was through) and, of course, to check on her single son. When the funeral shifted to the grave site, my mother also made sure that every one of her friends who had daughters or granddaughters around my age knew that I was an eligible bachelor.

She would say hello to a friend she hadn't seen in quite some time, and, to put it bluntly, started pimping me out. Right there on the lawns of Celestial Gardens. The first time she did it, I laughed it off. By the third and fourth time, I was ready to jump into one of the empty grave sites.

``Let me introduce you to Carlotta. She has three granddaughters all in their mid-20s who live in Miami. Give her your business card.''

Was she serious? The body wasn't even cold. The priest was about to conduct the final blessing. Fortunately, none of these ladies ever called me back. (My mom's finders-fee must have been pretty pricey).

Bottom line, though, moms want what is best for their children. They always will. Like fathers who are protective of their daughters, moms want to make sure their sons end up with someone who will care for them as much as they did. Truth is, that will always be one tough request. Happy Mother's Day.