Dining with Sef ``The Burger Beast'' Gonzalez and his buddies on one of their perfect-burger quests is a lot like being on the dais at a comedy roast. If something in your past is embarrassing in a funny way, it will be brought up and discussed at length at your expense.

Just don't order a salad with your hamburger -- not unless you want to be mocked for a digital eternity on burgerbeast.com, the culinary blog Gonzalez has built in little over a year into a South Florida phenomenon with bi-monthly burger events that attract hundreds of people.

``I don't eat lettuce and tomato -- ever,'' says Gonzalez, 35, whose 6-foot-3, 300-and-then-some-pound physique would have made his pro-wrestler grandfather, ``Cruz Diablo,'' proud.

In these burger boom times, with upscale outlets like Burger & Beer Joint and 8 oz. Burger proliferating, the average fast-food junkie cannot come close to matching Gonzalez's obsession with the All-American meal.

``Even when he was a little boy, all he ate were hamburgers,'' says Sef's father, Serafin Gonzalez. ``He wouldn't even eat pizza.''

The younger Gonzalez wears his love for burgers like a turtle wears its shell, bringing it with him everywhere, be it restaurants where no one should order a burger (barbecue joints), on business trips (he manages a phone store) or on Burger Beast missions like his recent trip to Orlando to give Burger King's Whopper Bar a spin.

He and ``the BB cast of characters'' have blogged burger reviews of 125 South Florida restaurants, with envoys weighing in from Las Vegas, San Francisco and Tokyo, among other outposts.

And it's not just reviews. Gonzalez posts all the burger-related information he can find -- coupons, news items about Japanese burger vending machines and bizzaro deals like the one earlier this week where any customer dressed in orange got a free burger at the Texas-based Whattaburger chain.

Today Gonzalez is having lunch at Cooper's Resto Bar in Perrine with his friend Nelson Taracido, a South Miami lawyer. They're ordering everything on the menu with ground beef in it: sliders, meatballs and, of course, ``Cooper's Angus Burger,'' served with bacon and Cheddar, Gonzalez's preferred toppings.

The barbs fly and the beer flows until the burgers hit the table. Gonzalez's expression grows somber as he asks the server for a Coke, takes a sip to ready his palate and then ventures a bite.

``The meat is seasoned well,'' Taracido offers.

``Nothing special,'' says Gonzalez. ``It's good. But after eating so many I'm looking for something to stand out. When I eat a Fuddruckers I can close my eyes and I know it's from there. Same thing with Burger King or McDonald's. This reminds me of the one I had at Clarke's on South Beach.''

It's his fortitude, not his discernment, that will be tested at the next Burger Beast event Nov. 21, when Gonzalez attempts the Quickie's Challenge at Quickie's Burgers & Wings in Hollywood -- consuming a four-pound cheeseburger in 90 minutes. (Check his blog for details.)

After eating at Quickie's with his wife, he declared the regular burgers ``awesome'' with ``great smoky flavor.''

``When he and Marcela first came here, we thought they were honeymooners,'' Quickie's co-owner Aleka Nakis says. ``They had big smiles and were taking pictures, and I thought `Oh, how cute; they are in love.' Then when we saw the review, we realized it wasn't about their love for each other -- it was about the burgers.''

Nakis has seen two Quickie's challengers wave the white flag after eating half the ``Animal,'' the four-pounder she chose for the challenge after a physician-friend told her a five-pound burger would risk stomach rupture.

``I don't think anyone can do it,'' she says. ``But if anyone can -- the Burger Beast can.''

On a reconnaissance trip last week, Gonzalez laid down the terms of warfare for the monster burger before him.

``I am absolutely not going to cut it in half. If I can pick it up with my hands, I shouldn't have to. I am going to enjoy the first few bites -- and after that it's just going to be work.''

One of his friends wisecracked about Quickie's renting a defibrillator for the day, and Gonzalez shook his head.

``That won't be necessary. I don't think it's going to be dangerous or even painful.'' He pauses and lets loose a three-pitched chortle. ``But I'm sure my intestines will disagree.''