Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax: Friends seem cool to new relationship

 

Dear Carolyn: After a year-and-a-half relationship that many expected was going to be long-term, we broke up and I was surprised to find that many of our friends were not surprised, claiming that they “supported our relationship” but thought we were too different and they didn’t want to say anything while we were in the relationship.

Now, four months later, I’m in a wonderful relationship that has the potential of being very long-term. I understand it’s the “honeymoon” phase, but I know when I’ve found something really good.

Everyone thinks he is an amazing guy, but I don’t get any sort of enthusiastic reaction from friends and family, which I believe could be because of my past relationship. Is there anything I could say to these people that would help them understand that I would prefer they would be as happy and supportive as they were for my previous relationship?

The Reaction Factor

Nope. It’s not worth it nor is it your place. It’s possible they think it’s too soon after your breakup, it’s possible they think it’s another mistake, it’s possible this is what approval actually looks like (since, remember, the last approval you experienced was fake). None of this matters now.

What does matter is that you proceed with this relationship at a pace that reflects good judgment and incorporates your experience, recent and otherwise. If you and he progress to the point where friends and family (and you) can reasonably expect to know this guy well and you’re still getting a lukewarm reception, then ask one or two particularly trustworthy people what they think.

Otherwise, please stop scanning the crowd for reactions. Check out how many times you look outside your relationship for opinions of it: “that many expected”; “many of our friends were not surprised”; “Everyone thinks he is an amazing guy”; “I don’t get any sort of enthusiastic reaction”; “I would prefer they would be as happy and supportive.” And it’s not a long letter.

One could speculate (not I, pshhh) that you’re dating not to please yourself, but your audience, which all but assures a mismatch.

Forget what they think — how do you feel?

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Read more Lifestyle stories from the Miami Herald

  •  
The work 'IMAG_NE' by Australian artist Emma Anna, coming to Boca Raton this fall, on display in Sydney, Australia in 2008.

    Florida notes

    It’s the season to see Key Deer

    Dear to the hearts of many are the miniature deer that exist only in the Florida Keys. Fully grown, these Key Deer stand only two to three feet high, but resemble their bigger siblings in every respect: Stags grow a full set of antlers, does charm with their limpid eyes.

  • wine

    It’s time to give syrah another shot

    Speaking of a St. Louis restaurant years ago, Yogi Berra famously said, “Nobody goes there anymore; it’s too crowded.”

  • Dear Abby

    Dear Abby: Obsession over six-pack abs puts swimmer in unsafe water

    Dear Abby: I’m a 21-year-old man who has been a successful swimmer in high school and now in college. Over the past few months, I have become obsessed with developing six-pack abs. I have never had much success with women, and I thought that looking like a movie star might finally get me noticed and make me feel good about myself.

Miami Herald

Join the
Discussion

The Miami Herald is pleased to provide this opportunity to share information, experiences and observations about what's in the news. Some of the comments may be reprinted elsewhere on the site or in the newspaper. We encourage lively, open debate on the issues of the day, and ask that you refrain from profanity, hate speech, personal comments and remarks that are off point. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

The Miami Herald uses Facebook's commenting system. You need to log in with a Facebook account in order to comment. If you have questions about commenting with your Facebook account, click here.

Have a news tip? You can send it anonymously. Click here to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Miami Herald and el Nuevo Herald.

Hide Comments

This affects comments on all stories.

Cancel OK

  • Marketplace

Today's Circulars

  • Quick Job Search

Enter Keyword(s) Enter City Select a State Select a Category