Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax: She’s not ready for another relationship

 

Dear Carolyn: I'm newly single after being dumped from a serious, long-term relationship. I didn't see this coming. I thought the relationship was perfect. It turns out my ex was telling me things were perfect but secretly romancing someone else behind my back.

I'm starting to move past the stage of wanting my ex back and into the stage of wanting to find a new person to be in a relationship with. However, I don't want to ruin my chances with new people by trying to date before I'm really ready. How will I know when I'm ready? How long do I really need to wait?

C.

As long as it takes to meet someone you want to date — which is very different from reaching the point of wanting to date.

"Wanting to date" is interviewing for a vacancy, and too often the first step in agreeing to the least unappealing candidate.

Another reason to be patient: You've positioned yourself to make that mistake, or one like it, before you've even accepted a date, with, "I don't want to ruin my chances with new people." You're trying to impress these candidates, vs. treating them as people who need to impress you.

Think about your role here. Your job is to be you, which includes being the chief beneficiary of all things you do right, the chief victim of all you do wrong, and the one person on earth who has to live with every choice you make. As gatekeeper to your life, you're it.

Therefore, you will be "really ready" when you can trust yourself to mind that gate effectively —when you can think clearly, judge fairly, give wisely and read accurately whether someone is good for you.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

Read more Lifestyle stories from the Miami Herald

Miami Herald

Join the
Discussion

The Miami Herald is pleased to provide this opportunity to share information, experiences and observations about what's in the news. Some of the comments may be reprinted elsewhere on the site or in the newspaper. We encourage lively, open debate on the issues of the day, and ask that you refrain from profanity, hate speech, personal comments and remarks that are off point. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

The Miami Herald uses Facebook's commenting system. You need to log in with a Facebook account in order to comment. If you have questions about commenting with your Facebook account, click here.

Have a news tip? You can send it anonymously. Click here to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Miami Herald and el Nuevo Herald.

Hide Comments

This affects comments on all stories.

Cancel OK

  • Marketplace

Today's Circulars

  • Quick Job Search

Enter Keyword(s) Enter City Select a State Select a Category