PERFECT POLLY

 

$14.99 (price may vary) plus shipping and handling from perfectpollypet.com

Suggested by Jenny Paxson of Culpeper, Va.

You've probably seen the TV commercials for Perfect Polly, the battery-operated pretend parakeet manufactured in China from genuine plastic. These commercials feature people smiling radiantly and laughing with delight as the amazingly fake-looking Perfect Polly performs her repertoire: making a vaguely birdlike electronic sound; moving her head; moving her tail; moving her head again; moving her tail again; moving her head again; and just generally providing hours of fascinating entertainment to anybody — young or old — who has the IQ of kelp. If you have somebody on your holiday list who fits that description, then Perfect Polly is the ideal gift for that person.

We think the Perfect Polly concept should be expanded to encompass other pretend critters — hamsters, cats, dogs, children, etc. Maybe some day we could replace the entire U.S. Congress with battery-operated plastic senators and representatives. Come to think of it, we could replace Congress right now with 535 Perfect Pollys. They'd be cheaper and far less likely to text pictures of their private parts. They don't even HAVE private parts, as far as we know.

Next gift: NECK AIR CUSHION

DAVE BARRY 2013 GIFT GUIDE

Read more Dave Barry Gift Guide stories from the Miami Herald

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    You've probably seen the TV commercials for Perfect Polly, the battery-operated pretend parakeet manufactured in China from genuine plastic.

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    These are special glasses that use an amazing scientific principle — possibly photosynthesis — to bend light beams at a 90-degree angle. This means that when you put these glasses on, instead of seeing what's in front of you, you're actually looking straight down.

  • CHICKEN BRASSIERE

    If you are not putting a brassiere on your hen (or self-mutilating parrot) (which would be a good name for a rock band) you could very well be contributing to its DEATH.

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