Tortured Wisconsin man proves that women actually snore

 

Chicago Tribune

Benjamin Duddles of Waukesha, Wis., doesn’t like women who snore.

But unlike most American men who are too afraid to do anything about it, he actually did something about it.

He called the Waukesha police and demanded they arrest the woman in his bed. He didn’t know her name, it is true, but he complained that the Woman with No Name was “snoring like a freight train.”

Mr. Duddles may not realize this yet, but soon he will be famous, because he’s the one guy heroic enough to broach a taboo subject:

Women who snore.

“I don’t snore,” said a woman I ran into Wednesday, reflecting the attitudes of most women who won’t admit it. “And I hate hearing a man snore. I really can’t stand it. The heavy breathing, too, that bothers me. My friends say, ‘It’s a respiration thing with you.’ And they’re right.”

Men are flawed in ways too numerous to count. We snore and scratch when asleep. We often leave our socks on the bathroom floor. There are also occasional burping issues. The list of our outrages is endless.

But women hardly ever admit to snoring, at least publicly in a newspaper column. This suggests that, as a tribe, they are constantly in denial in the log-sawing area.

Which brings us back to the saga of Mr. Duddles.

At approximately 4:21 a.m. on the morning of Nov. 10, he called 911 to demand some police protection from the snoring woman next to him.

“Yes, he did,” Waukesha police Capt. Ron Oremus told me over the phone. “This is exactly the kind of thing that can make police work interesting.”

According to the police report, and the audio file of the 911 call that I’ve obtained, Mr. Duddles was being tortured by the sound.

He just couldn’t take it anymore. So he called the police, and a female police dispatcher answered.

On the audio, Mr. Duddles seems, well, tired. And the police dispatcher has a chirpy voice, like a mom who’s heard it all before.

Duddles: Yeah, I was wondering if you could send an officer to my place to have someone physically removed?

Police: Who do you want removed?

Duddles: Just a girl.

Police: Who’s “Just a girl”?

Duddles: She’s sleeping in my bed, yeah, and I’m sitting on the couch in the living room talking to you.

Police: How did she get into your apartment and into your bed?

Duddles: We were talking.

Police: Did you bring her home with you?

Duddles: Well, I assume so. You there? Her name is ah, uhm, what is her name?

Police: Do we know what her name is?

Duddles: What is her name? I don’t know.

Police: What is your name?

Duddles: I’d rather not say.

So the Waukesha police dispatcher explained in her polite, chirpy voice that unless Duddles gave his name, there was nothing the cops could do for him.

So he gave his name. But not that of the snoring woman, because he didn’t know it.

Mr. Duddles, though clearly exasperated, finally admits that he’s been drinking alcoholic beverages.

Duddles: Well, I have. I don’t know about her. She’s just snoring away like a train. She’s snoring.

Police: And she’s snoring like a train?

Duddles: She’s snoring like a train.

If you listen carefully, you can hear the snoring woman. She’s sawing logs – not twigs but big heavy hardwood.

Police: And she decided just to go to bed?

Duddles: Well, pretty much. And then, it’s like, I’m trying to wake her up and she won’t wake up.

Police: And she’s snoring like a train?

Duddles: She’s snoring like a train.

Mr. Duddles may have been exhausted from his revels, but at least he was able to bring the phone closer to the bed so the dispatcher could hear for herself.

When I heard it, it was obvious something was terribly wrong. The Woman with No Name in the bed of Mr. Duddles didn’t sound anything like a freight train.

Rather, she sounded more like a bulldog lying on its back, making this sound:

HAAZZZ – haaaaghhhz-HAAzzzZZZahg. HAZZZZZgkkha

Police: Is that her? Is that her snoring that I’m hearing?

Duddles: Yeah. She’s snoring like a train.

Snoring woman: Haaazgh – ghaaaazzza – haaaaz-GRAAAZhokee. Gha.

And that was all the Waukesha police needed to hear.

Police: OK, we’ll send someone over there.

Duddles: OK, thank you.

We tried to reach Mr. Duddles, and left a message with his mom, but he didn’t return the call.

A check of his background found no pattern of making complaints about snoring women.

The police report summed up his issue: Mr. Duddles “wishes a female removed from his bed (because) he’s not sure how she got into his apt.”

Police did try to smooth things out for the couple. According to the report, they determined that she suffered from sleep apnea, a condition that makes people like her (and me) snore loudly, like bulldogs on our backs.

According to the report:

“She was woken up. . . . He was advised this was not a police matter because he allowed her in. He was provided the comfort of his couch for the evening and to work out the ‘issue’ in the morning.”

And I’m sure they worked everything out, once she told him her name.

John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune.

MCT Information Services

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