Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax: Move with fiance ends badly

 

Dear Carolyn: Yesterday I was offered a good job in the hometown of my girlfriend, whom I planned to marry. Our plan was she would follow me there when she could figure out her own career, and live with me while we planned a wedding.

Then, last night, she told me she wasn't sure that she was "all in." She said she was conflicted by her feelings about me. We broke up.

I'm heartbroken. And I don't know what the heck to do about this job. I fully expect to be laid off from my own job in the next few months, so I NEED the job. Plus it's a good job and I'd be excited to do it. But I don't know anyone in this new city other than my girlfriend's family. And I'm grieving.

There are also financial issues. I'm way underwater on my mortgage and couldn't sell my house except at a steep loss.

What do I do now?

How big is the girlfriend's hometown? I think anything big enough for you not to risk running into her every time you go out for a beer is probably big enough for the both o' ya (assuming she still plans to move back).

You'd have to go, though, with the clear understanding that you would be moving to her town as if you knew no one there, and will not lean on her or her family, and will not entertain hopes of winning her back. This is pure economic necessity.

If you squint, maybe it will look like a fresh start?

Now I need you to promise me I didn't just give you permission to harass this person. You really really really can't get in touch with her when you get there, or hang out at her favorite spots, or go over to talk to her when you see her outside when you "accidentally" drive by her house.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

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