Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax: Author de Becker’s advice to abuse victims can be helpful

 

Dear Carolyn: I recently read “Gift of Fear”, and was discussing it online with some other readers. I was really bothered when some people said they felt that Gavin de Becker is a victim-blamer, specifically in saying victims of domestic violence do have a choice of what action to take after being harmed.

I had actually agreed with him on that, and thought it was a freeing way to think — “that you’re never trapped, that you’re not stuck as a victim forever. I’m not sure if I was agreeing with misogyny by accident, or if I was just being taken in by keyboard justice warriors with nothing better to police. I wanted your opinion, since I know you recommend the book so frequently.

Anonymous

I’ve certainly heard (and received) criticism along those lines, but I agree with you that the information de Becker gives is intended to empower people to get out of these bad situations, or ideally prevent them from happening.

To equate that to victim-blaming strikes me as unfair, and also counterproductive. I can see why some people do it; it’s easy to interpret “There are ways out!” as having an implied corollary: “Therefore, if the victim doesn’t get out, it’s the victim’s fault.” But making that leap oversimplifies abuse.

If it were a given that everyone knew and understood what certain danger signs looked like, then none of us would miss them. If we all knew where these exit opportunities were or how to take advantage of them, then everyone would get out and de Becker and his book would have no purpose. He’d just be stating the obvious.

The response to Gift was and still is huge because people in these situations, or heading into them, tend not to recognize the warning signs and tend not to jump on opportunities to get out — not because they’re dumb or self-destructive or addicted to drama or whatever else, but for two simple, external reasons: the way we’re socialized, and the skill of abusers at reeling people in.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at facebook.com/carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at washingtonpost.com.

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