Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax: She wants to ban boyfriend’s friendship with alcoholic

 

Dear Carolyn: Is it ever OK to veto one of your significant other’s friendships? My boyfriend is thinking of getting back in touch with a friend of his who was an alcoholic who self-destructed and refused help – at which point my boyfriend ended his friendship with him.

I do not want an alcoholic in my life, I can’t see how this is a good idea, and I’m not comfortable with this at all.

Vetoing

Er, major piece of information missing: Has the friend since gotten sober, or is he still abusing?

Be careful, too, how you throw those absolutes around. “I do not want an alcoholic in my life” is the kind of thing that inspires people to say, “I do not want judgmental people in my life.” Someone who gets and stays sober is still an alcoholic; is that person also unworthy of you?

Re: Veto:

No, it is not OK to veto one of your significant other’s friendships. The only thing it is OK to do is to remove yourself from situations you don’t want to be in. You cannot control anything another person does/says/thinks. I believe this is Rule No. 1 of Hax. And to quote Monty Python, Rule 2, same as Rule 1.

Anonymous

Yep, that, thanks.

You do have the right, in exceptional situations, to object strenuously (reference to a different kind of cinematic comedy) to a friendship and ask your partner to end it. The classic example is someone with whom your partner cheated on you, or someone else who deliberately tried to harm you or the relationship. If you are not personally injured by this objectionable friend, then I see the bar as pretty high – abuse, for example. Child pornography. Animal cruelty.

Of course, when you get to any of these points, you’re often right back to “remove yourself from situations you don’t want to be in,” relationships included.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Read more Lifestyle stories from the Miami Herald

  • Fit Tip

    Fit tip: Eat more mangoes

    Q: I love mangoes but they are so sweet they must be bad for me. Is this true?

  • Carolyn Hax

    Carolyn Hax: Am I single and loving it or just scared?

    Adapted from a recent online discussion.

  • Dear Abby

    Dear Abby: Younger couples weigh in on how they handle money

    Dear Readers: On April 11, I printed a letter from “Wondering in Washington,” a man asking why young men in general today have the attitude that “any money I earn is mine” in a marriage or live-in situation. He said when he married, he and his wife considered what they earned to be “theirs” — not his or hers. When I asked my “younger readers” to chime in, I was inundated. Some excerpts:

Miami Herald

Join the
Discussion

The Miami Herald is pleased to provide this opportunity to share information, experiences and observations about what's in the news. Some of the comments may be reprinted elsewhere on the site or in the newspaper. We encourage lively, open debate on the issues of the day, and ask that you refrain from profanity, hate speech, personal comments and remarks that are off point. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

The Miami Herald uses Facebook's commenting system. You need to log in with a Facebook account in order to comment. If you have questions about commenting with your Facebook account, click here.

Have a news tip? You can send it anonymously. Click here to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Miami Herald and el Nuevo Herald.

Hide Comments

This affects comments on all stories.

Cancel OK

  • Marketplace

Today's Circulars

  • Quick Job Search

Enter Keyword(s) Enter City Select a State Select a Category