Let us apply to local sports the yin-yang theory of Chinese philosophy, which is that seemingly opposite forces are interconnected. You know: Light and dark, fire and water, life and death to which I would add, excellence and crappiness.
Can we truly enjoy and appreciate the yin of excellence without the yang of crappiness? I think not. If all of our teams were as great as the Heat, for example, the Heat would not seem as great, right?
Therefore, I am here in appreciation of Saturdays Yang Bowl of college football, in which host Southern Mississippi and our own Florida International University brought matching 0-4 records and epic awfulness to bear. I am not being mean. Well, OK, you got me. I am being mean, but also factual. FIU entered having been outscored by a 187-23 total. Southern Miss entered having lost 16 games in a row and having committed 15 turnovers in this years four.
It was the weekend nadir of American sports.
It also was the Conference USA opener for both schools. If the C-USA commissioner was in Hattiesburg, Miss., I think he was the guy wearing the false nose and glasses.
This was the game that tested the casually held presumption that, well, somebodys gotta win!
No matter the outcome, thank you to both teams for sacrificing to represent the yang so that others may yin, and win.
• Henderson Alvarezs no-hitter closing the Marlins 100-loss season ended the misery with incongruous celebration. The club then made unused tickets available for sale to collectors, but the souvenirs bore the wrong date. The perfect ending!
• Heat megastar LeBron James said hed bring back his famous pregame ritual this season, only instead of throwing powder into the air hell toss up the tears of Cleveland fans.
• Michael Jordan said that in his prime, hed have beaten LeBron 1-on-1. Anybody else think Mike should shut up and concentrate a little harder on not being the worst owner in professional sports?
• LeBron has a new signature wristwatch, an Audemars Piguet Royal Oak Offshore Chronograph that retails for $51,500. For that money, the watch had better tell me the time and also the meaning of life.
• The Heat named Juwan Howard an assistant coach, meaning hell be playing about as many minutes as he did last season.
Alex Rodriguez, in the midst of appealing his 211-game PED suspension, sued MLB for tortious interference, claiming a witch hunt to force him from the sport. I looked up tortuous interference. Perhaps A-Rod should look up personal responsibility.
• The NCAAs ridiculous, continuing delay in rendering a final decision in the Miami investigation maybe they can blame the government shutdown?
• A Pittsburgh hospital is celebrating Buctober by outfitting all newborns in Pirates onesies and red bandanas. Id be more impressed if Pirates players were dressed like that.
• The new Sports Illustrated has model Kate Upton on the cover along with Braves brothers B.J. and Justin Upton. Didnt Kate out-hit B.J. this year?
• Michael Hill is the Marlins new president of baseball ops, replacing fired Larry Beinfest. That means Hill will make all the personnel decisions for owner Jeffrey Loria to overrule and do what he wants.
• The Ravens could may have reciever Jacoby Jones
• The Saints Junior Galette called Miamis offensive line weak and said the Dolphins werent very good after Mondays game, leaving analysts to try and figure out who on earth Junior Galette is.
• Hard-hitting 49ers safety Donte Whitner
• Cowboys defenders said they were sick of hearing about Peyton Manning. Not as sick as theyll be of him Sunday between around 4:30 p.m. and 7:30 p.m..
• New Panthers owner Vincent Viola named his 25-year-old son vice president of hockey operations. I dont think Ive thought hmm quite like that since 2011, when then-Dolphins coach Tony Sparano named Tony Jr. to his staff.
• Canes quarterback Stephen Morris called the South Florida Bulls a dirty team last week. At 0-4, I think lousy might also fit.
• I read a story in the Miami Herald about a group of bird-watchers gazing through binoculars at brown boobies. Coincidentally, I too have done that.
• Nick Saban suspended Alabama star safety Ha Ha Clinton-Dix for violating team rules. I dont find that funny, said Ha Ha.
• The Minnesota Lynx-Atlanta Dream WNBA Finals start Sunday night. You just try to keep me from watching!
• In golf, the Presidents Cup began in Ohio, with the Uniteed States leading early over the International team thanks to an run of birdies by Dwight D. Eisenhower.
• Tiger Woods befriended a squirrel nicknamed Sammy at the Presidents Cup, photographed holding the furry creature on his shoulder. (Um, is Tiger unaware that squirrels are rodents that can be disease-carrying biters?)
• Parting thought: The University of Miami officially dedicated its new $14.7 million, 35,000-square foot Greg Cote Center for Athletic Excellence. Wait. Something about that sentence is obviously wrong. Its 34,000 square feet.
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