Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax: Turned off by men who remind her of ex

 
 
Hax
Hax

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been divorced one year after a four-year marriage. We shouldn’t have gotten married and I accept that I made a huge mistake.

I’ve recently attempted dating again, and the issue is that if a guy says anything my ex-husband could have, would have, or did ever say – opinions about life, relationships, politics, family, etc. – then I completely lose interest. They could be otherwise amazing, and share just one unacceptable view with my ex, but as soon as the words come out of their mouths, I’m done.Am I being too hard on myself, and everyone else, looking for someone who has absolutely NOTHING in common with my ex? Or do I need to decidewhich of these opinions are truly deal-breakers – things that contributed to the hostility between me and my ex – and worry about those? Or is any flag a flag, even if it’s more pink than bright red?

Color Blind in TN

There are two possible origins to such reflexive rejections: Either these men are revealing key similarities to your ex-husband, and therefore you’re right to stop seeing them – or you’re overreacting to perfectly innocent statements because you’re still not fully healed.

Two possibilities, but they point to only one piece of advice. Trust this reflex, don’t try to override it.

Why? Because if it’s a red flag about the guy(s) you’re dating, then the reason not to override it is obvious.

And if the red flag is about you, then it might be tempting to try to “fix” it, to talk yourself into being more rational about – and fair to – the men you date, before you’re ready for that. Please find you before you go looking for someone else.

Weigh what these men have said to see why you reacted so strongly. More broadly, though: Learn to hear your inner voice, to heed it, to look back to see whether it was right, and to tweak your understanding of it accordingly.

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