Dear Abby

Dear Abby: Mom is caregiver and referee between husband and sons

 
 
Abby
Abby

Dear Abby: My husband is 99 percent bed-bound with primary progressive MS. My oldest son is bipolar (he’s off his meds and doing great), and my youngest son has Asperger’s. I know … wow.

My husband refuses to even try to understand the boys. When they have behavior problems, he tells them if he could, he would backhand them. Great parenting, huh? But at the same time, the boys and I are expected to have our lives revolve around his disability and stop everything when he needs help.

I hate watching him go through his disease, but does that give him a free pass to bully our boys?If I support my sons, I’m a bad wife. If I support my husband, I’m a bad mom. And – not to sound selfish – who supports ME?

I’m not really expecting any answers, but needed to vent, for lack of better terminology. I do have a support system of extended family and friends, but sometimes the lack of support inside the house makes me crazy. Any words of wisdom, Abby?

Stretched Thin in Colorado

You have a right to vent. You’re carrying an enormous load on your shoulders right now. I wish you wouldn’t label yourself as a “bad” ANYTHING because you are just a mortal woman who is trying to cope. Your husband is understandably bitter and frustrated and sometimes takes it out on those closest to him – you and the boys. His MS IS top priority because he’s incapacitated and it HAS to be.

Your boys need to understand the importance of not stressing out their father. I’m glad your older son is doing well off medication, IF that’s OK with his doctor. But it’s my understanding that people with a chemical imbalance need to stay on their meds to maintain their equilibrium. As to your younger son, people with Asperger’s may have problems with their social interactions, but they can be taught rules of acceptable behavior. Perhaps it’s time to work a little harder on that.

If at all possible, find someone who can offer a respite from your caregiving responsibilities every few weeks.

Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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