Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax: Reader dislikes answer about birthday toast on wedding day

 

Adapted from a recent online discussion.

Dear Carolyn: I was somewhat surprised by your answer to a wife upset about attending her husband’s best friend’s wedding on the husband’s 40th birthday — a birthday they thought he might not reach due to medical problems.

I went to a niece’s Bat Mitzvah on my 50th birthday, and my niece wished me a happy birthday. We attended a cousin’s wedding on our 20th anniversary, and they asked everyone to toast us.

In the case in the letter, since the husband was asked to make a toast, would it have been so hard for the groom to ask everyone to wish his friend a happy birthday, as the wife thought he should have done? I think totally ignoring it was thoughtless.

Anonymous

It’s hard to argue with the idea that it would have been nice of the groom to say happy birthday.

But he didn’t — and so this couple had to make a decision: Hold a grudge because the best friend let the husband down, or move on?

Since it’s an adult, it’s a birthday, and it’s not unusual for people to forget things on their wedding days, it seems like lunacy even to consider denting a long, good friendship over it.

I also noted that when something is so important that they’d end a friendship over it, then they owed it to the friend to say how important it was before the fact, not after.

If the letter-writer could have done something to prevent a problem, then I’ll say so, for next time. But in most cases, waiting to hear that someone else is to blame for your problem amounts to a decision to stay stuck in a place of indignation, waiting for justice to be done. I’m not a fan.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Read more Lifestyle stories from the Miami Herald

  •  
 <span class="cutline_leadin">Lucky Us. </span>Amy Bloom. Random. pages. 256 pages. $26.

    Fiction

    A pair of sisters take on post-war America in Amy Bloom’s ‘Lucky Us’

    An irrepressible pair of half-sisters take on post-war America and emerge with a new vision of family.

  • What are you reading now?

    “Song of the Shaman by Annette Vendryes Leach. I am a real sucker for any book that involves magic and religion. And this one is also about being a mother, so I was pretty much sold before even opening the book. But the opening scene is a gritty, bloody one of a woman giving birth on the Brooklyn Bridge. Which of course means I can’t stop reading even if I wanted to. I mean, the woman’s back is bucking against an ashtray as she pushes. What a way to open a book!”

  •  
 <span class="cutline_leadin">Bruschetta:</span> Say it right, make it right.

    YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG

    Juicy tomatoes soften bruschetta’s bite

    First things first: Bruschetta should be pronounced “broo-sketta,” not “broo-shetta.”

Miami Herald

Join the
Discussion

The Miami Herald is pleased to provide this opportunity to share information, experiences and observations about what's in the news. Some of the comments may be reprinted elsewhere on the site or in the newspaper. We encourage lively, open debate on the issues of the day, and ask that you refrain from profanity, hate speech, personal comments and remarks that are off point. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

The Miami Herald uses Facebook's commenting system. You need to log in with a Facebook account in order to comment. If you have questions about commenting with your Facebook account, click here.

Have a news tip? You can send it anonymously. Click here to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Miami Herald and el Nuevo Herald.

Hide Comments

This affects comments on all stories.

Cancel OK

  • Marketplace

Today's Circulars

  • Quick Job Search

Enter Keyword(s) Enter City Select a State Select a Category