F: France

The most compassionate, most central and least arrogant European country – at least according to the French. France used to be known as the “motor” of EU integration, but these days the engine is more VW than Citroen. Led by President Franois Hollande, a self-confessed “Mr. Normal.” For once, a politician is not lying.

G: Greece

Europe’s basket case. Think Alabama or Mississippi but with better food and thinner people. But forget the German stereotype of Greeks as lazy scroungers. OECD figures show Greeks work harder than any European nation.

H: Horsemeat

Known as “beef” in Europe. The French and Belgians love eating this stuff. The Brits, however, don’t appreciate it turning up unannounced in their lasagna.

I: Intelligence

The EU doesn’t have much – of the spying kind, that is. The EU Intelligence Analysis Centre (INTCEN) – which aims to warn Ashton of upcoming threats to the EU – has only 70 people on staff and meager resources. The NSA has around 40,000 employees and an estimated budget of $10 billion.

J: Jose Manuel Barroso

Former Euro-deputy Jean-Louis Bourlanges once described the European Commission president as “a man who knows how to say nothing in five languages” – which is tame compared to the abuse leveled at him by some current French ministers. After recently describing French free-trade opponents as “reactionaries,” he has become public enemy number one in Paris. The former Portuguese premier made jobs and growth the priority of his presidency after taking office in 2004. Unfortunately, the EU has produced neither.

K: Kissinger Question, The

Frustrated by the ever-changing stewardship of the European Union, Henry Kissinger once allegedly asked, “Who do I call if I want to call Europe?” The former U.S. secretary of state says he doesn’t remember saying it but is happy to take credit, anyway. Since the Lisbon Treaty (see under: Treaties) the EU finally has an answer for him, according to one of the rare jokes to surface in Brussels. The number is 1-800-1-EUROPE. When you call, an automated voice informs you: “To speak to the European Council President, press 1. For the High Representative for Foreign Affairs and Security Policy, press 2. For the current rotating head of the Council of Ministers, press 3. To reach the European Commission President, press 4. . . .” (The longer you spend in Brussels the funnier this becomes.)

L: Languages

Your high school Spanish is not going to get you very far listening in on the EU. Although English has now replaced French as the club’s “lingua franca,” there are still 23 other official languages requiring simultaneous translation – including Gaelic, which is spoken by less than 3 percent of Irish people.

M: Merkel, Angela

German chancellor affectionately known as “Angie” by diehard fans, and by less flattering nicknames by Southern Europeans living under German-mandated austerity policies. Perfect spy material should she ever decide to leave politics – born in communist East Germany, speaks fluent Russian and has a doctorate in quantum chemistry.

N: Neelie Kroes

As European Commissioner for the Digital Agenda, this veteran Dutch politician is one of the most powerful officials in Brussels. She is also one of the very few with a sense of humor. In an #AskNeelie Q+A in 2012 one tweep asked what she was wearing. To which the Dutch politician replied: “Would u believe if I say Chanel Number 5 and nothing else?” How’s that for transparency?