Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax: ‘Overcommunicator’ wonders if boyfriend is a right fit

 

Dear Carolyn: I’ve recently started dating someone who is much less communicative than I am. I think we both like each other, but is this a red flag? I tend to be an over-communicator, so I’m not sure if my way is really the correct way to do things, so I’m hesitant in ending something over a difference like this.

Dating Disaster

You’re using your own self-doubt to rationalize away a concern about someone you’re dating.

You know the cliche that you can’t love another until you love yourself? Taken literally, it’s a stretch, but at its core is the truth that intimacy isn’t possible until you’ve made peace with who you are.

Your question is an excellent illustration of why: You sound uncomfortable with your own emotional style, and so you’re willing to believe there’s something “wrong” with it, and so you’re willing to treat your own judgment as unreliable.

The thing is, there’s no “right” way to communicate except to be honest and true to yourself. If you feel happier and more fulfilled around people who share your emotional style, then don’t apologize for that — heed it, and know you have every right to break up with anyone who doesn’t feel like a good fit. If you’re naturally outgoing, then don’t apologize for that, either.

If this leaves you with a swell long-term plan but no idea whether this guy, right now, is or isn’t a good fit, then by all means get to know him better. But don’t do it because you think you have some obligation to be more circumspect, or more openminded about people who are.

D

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