Dear Abby

Dear Abby: Dying man wants to thank those who shared his life

 

Dear Abby: I have enjoyed a good life. I have served my community. I have a wonderful wife, great children and good friends. However, it now appears that the disease that has been kept at bay has progressed, and soon my days will end. I have accepted my impending death as best one can, and let few people know of it.

I would like to thank all the wonderful people who have been an important part of my life over the years, and I'm wondering how that might be accomplished. I do not want to make them sad or receive condolences. I simply want them to know they were an important part of my life for which I am truly grateful.

I considered a party, but wondered if that might seem morbid. Letters seem too distant, and phone calls would be hard on me.

While my death sentence is firm, and it will be soon, the exact date is impossible to know. Few of these people are aware that I am seriously ill, although I have been hospitalized many times.

Can you give me some suggestions to show my appreciation?

On the way out in New Jersey

While goodbyes can be sad, your farewell party need not be morbid — particularly if you and your wife make it a celebration of life and let your guests know it in advance. If you're afraid that saying what's in your heart to each person individually will be emotionally draining, then deliver a speech or videotape one to be played at the event.

While reading your letter, I am reminded of a friend, Judith, whom I lost several years ago. Judith had battled cancer for 12 years. After she had completed yet another round of chemo, some of her women friends gathered for a potluck luncheon at her place. The wine was poured and we all glanced at each other, worried that toasting “health” might seem inappropriate. Sensing the hesitation, Judy raised her glass and announced, “To LIFE!” And that, my friend, is exactly what your party should be all about.

Dear Abby: I'm a sixth-grade girl with a group of friends I like. The problem is some of them constantly put themselves down. It's annoying to hear, “My hair is so messed up,” “I failed that quiz” (they got a B), “My paper is so bad” or “I'm so ugly.” None of these things are true.

I know people put themselves down so that others will reassure them that they're fine. But I'm getting tired of hearing these complaints. I have told them to stop acting this way, but it doesn't work. How can I get my friends to stop complaining about themselves so much?

Tired of hearing it in Boulder, Colo.

You can't, so be patient with them because you appear to be more emotionally mature and self-confident than they are. At 12, which I assume most of your friends are, it is not unusual for girls to become sensitive about their changing bodies, and some of their insecurity may be hormonal. That's why they're looking to others for reassurance, so please don't be stingy.

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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