“What about carbs?” said Wendell.

“Are they still bad?”

Wendell frowned. “I think so,” he said. “But not as bad as gluten. Or lactose! Lactose is evil. Lactose is death. Lactose is Glenn Close, in that movie where she stalks whatshisname.”

“Who?”

“Whatshisname. You know. She boils his daughter’s rabbit.”

“Who does?”

“Glenn Close.”

“Glenn Close boils a rabbit?”

“You never saw this movie?”

“No. Why did she do that?”

“She was in love with whatshisname.”

“So she boils a freaking rabbit?”

“Yes.“

“How?”

“How does she boil it?”

“Yes.”

“In a pot.”

Marty thought about that. “Why doesn’t it jump out?”

“Of the pot? They don’t explain that.”

“That’s a plot flaw. I mean, a rabbit is not a lobster. You put a lobster in a pot, it stays in the pot. But a rabbit would definitely jump out.”

“Yes, but if she boiled a lobster, nobody would care. I mean, as a viewer, you’d be thinking, Big deal, a lobster.”

“No, I understand that. It couldn’t be a lobster. But it could be a small dog.”

“Dogs can jump.”

“OK, maybe a chicken.”

“No, because there you have the lobster problem all over again. A chicken boiling in a pot, the viewer goes, Well, it’s only a chicken.”

“So you’re saying it has to have fur.”

“No, I’m not ruling out feathers entirely. For example, it could be a parrot, but it has to have some personality. Like earlier in the movie it says some comical words or phrases, so the viewers get to know it, and their reaction is, Oh no! Glenn Close boiled Polly!”

Marty thought about that. “Why wouldn’t the parrot just fly out of the pot?”

“Excuse me,” said Mike, trying not to show how annoyed he was getting.

Reprinted by arrangement with G.P. Putnam’s Sons, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. From Insane City copyright 2013 by Dave Barry.