Clearly I have seen too many Super Bowl commercials. Last night, I sat bolt upright out of a nightmare, screaming. I dreamed I saw Betty White sidesaddle on a Clydesdale breastfeeding the E*Trade baby.
Also had a strange dream about the halftime show. Beyoncé was singing, except she wasn’t really singing. No, no, I don’t mean she was lip-synching. She was conveying all the songs in sign language.
It got stranger.
I dreamed the 49ers’ starting quarterback was an adopted kid with tattooed biceps who owned a 115-pound tortoise named Sammy. Weird.
I dreamed the Ravens’ biggest star caused the most-Googled phrase of Super Bowl Week to be “deer antler velvet extract.” Insane.
Then I dreamed the CBS broadcast team included a former player who’d just been outed for an affair that created a child out of wedlock. Impossible!
I don’t know about you, but I think I’m just about ready for Super Bowl Sunday to be over.
P.S., Ray Lewis has changed his mind about retiring, and the Harbaughs aren’t really related.
• As baseball spring training nears, the Marlins will hold a select-a-seat event at their ballpark this Saturday. Plenty of good seats are available. Unfortunately, no good team owner is available.
• President Obama said he would have to “think long and hard” before letting his son play football. Obama’s fictional son thus became the most famous nonexistent person since Manti Te’o’s girlfriend.
• A film is in the works about Lance Armstrong. No title yet. Too bad Liar, Liar was already taken.
• I can’t keep track. Are NCAA investigators investigating UM again? Or is the NCAA still investigating its own investigators for wrongdoing in the investigation? I need to investigate.
• Jim Larranaga’s high-flying men’s Hurricanes rose to 14th in the rankings, UM’s highest perch since 2002, and won 79-78 Saturday at No. 19 North Carolina State on a dramatic last-second tip-in. This is looking like at least a Sweet 16 team this season.
• Heat star LeBron James, who makes about $58 million a year in salary and endorsements, told ESPN.com he is underpaid and doesn’t get the credit he deserves for taking less money. Aside to athletes making $58 mil a year: Ix-nay on the oh-poor-me.
• LeBron also had complained the team’s return travel from Toronto on Sunday would make him miss watching the Super Bowl on TV. The good news? LeBron has since purchased the NFL and rescheduled the game.
• Warren Sapp and Bill Parcells were among Saturday’s inductees into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. The announcement was made in New Orleans, in the Bob Kuechenberg Disappointment Room. Congrats to all, but suffice to say, Parcells didn’t make it for what he did in Miami.
• The injury-wracked Florida Panthers finally won after being outscored 23-5 in a five-game losing streak. The advantage to a 48-game schedule is that if you are headed for a bad season, at least your misery is not prolonged.
• True story: There is a high school baseball player in Boca Raton named Fenway Parks. I don’t find that strange. What if Sally Field had named her son Wrigley?