Random Evidence of a Cluttered Mind

Greg Cote: Deer antler, tortoise, infidelity — time for Super Bowl

 

Hot List

Today: Super Bowl records. The top individual marks in the three major offensive categories:

Category Record Record setter
Passing yards414Kurt Warner, Rams vs. Titans (2000, Atlanta)
Rushing yards204Timmy Smith, Redskins vs. Broncos (1988, San Diego)
Receiving yards215 Jerry Rice, 49ers vs. Bengals (1989, Miami)

Note: All three records were set in victories by the players’ teams.


Clearly I have seen too many Super Bowl commercials. Last night, I sat bolt upright out of a nightmare, screaming. I dreamed I saw Betty White sidesaddle on a Clydesdale breastfeeding the E*Trade baby.

Also had a strange dream about the halftime show. Beyoncé was singing, except she wasn’t really singing. No, no, I don’t mean she was lip-synching. She was conveying all the songs in sign language.

It got stranger.

I dreamed the 49ers’ starting quarterback was an adopted kid with tattooed biceps who owned a 115-pound tortoise named Sammy. Weird.

I dreamed the Ravens’ biggest star caused the most-Googled phrase of Super Bowl Week to be “deer antler velvet extract.” Insane.

Then I dreamed the CBS broadcast team included a former player who’d just been outed for an affair that created a child out of wedlock. Impossible!

I don’t know about you, but I think I’m just about ready for Super Bowl Sunday to be over.

P.S., Ray Lewis has changed his mind about retiring, and the Harbaughs aren’t really related.

• As baseball spring training nears, the Marlins will hold a select-a-seat event at their ballpark this Saturday. Plenty of good seats are available. Unfortunately, no good team owner is available.

•  President Obama said he would have to “think long and hard” before letting his son play football. Obama’s fictional son thus became the most famous nonexistent person since Manti Te’o’s girlfriend.

• A film is in the works about Lance Armstrong. No title yet. Too bad Liar, Liar was already taken.

• I can’t keep track. Are NCAA investigators investigating UM again? Or is the NCAA still investigating its own investigators for wrongdoing in the investigation? I need to investigate.

•  Jim Larranaga’s high-flying men’s Hurricanes rose to 14th in the rankings, UM’s highest perch since 2002, and won 79-78 Saturday at No. 19 North Carolina State on a dramatic last-second tip-in. This is looking like at least a Sweet 16 team this season.

• Heat star LeBron James, who makes about $58 million a year in salary and endorsements, told ESPN.com he is underpaid and doesn’t get the credit he deserves for taking less money. Aside to athletes making $58 mil a year: Ix-nay on the oh-poor-me.

• LeBron also had complained the team’s return travel from Toronto on Sunday would make him miss watching the Super Bowl on TV. The good news? LeBron has since purchased the NFL and rescheduled the game.

•  Warren Sapp and Bill Parcells were among Saturday’s inductees into the Pro Football Hall of Fame. The announcement was made in New Orleans, in the Bob Kuechenberg Disappointment Room. Congrats to all, but suffice to say, Parcells didn’t make it for what he did in Miami.

• The injury-wracked Florida Panthers finally won after being outscored 23-5 in a five-game losing streak. The advantage to a 48-game schedule is that if you are headed for a bad season, at least your misery is not prolonged.

• True story: There is a high school baseball player in Boca Raton named Fenway Parks. I don’t find that strange. What if Sally Field had named her son Wrigley?

•  Dennis Rodman has written a new children’s book, Dennis the Wild Bull. Sure, because who better to write a kids’ book than a man ordered to pay $500,000 in back child support?

• New FIU coach Ron Turner was upset that two of his players tweeted about taking football recruits to a strip club. The lesson? Don’t tweet about it!

•  Tiger Woods won a golf tournament at Torrey Pines, but nobody cared because it wasn’t a major.

• The 25th and final Joe DiMaggio Legends Game was held in Fort Lauderdale. The occasion was so special, Joe DiMaggio himself showed up, went 3 for 4.

• In running news, Greg Cote won last week’s Miami men’s marathon by an astounding margin of more than two hours while competing in a 2005 Corvette.

• PBA League team bowling has begun, for those of you who thought PBA head-to-head bowling was too intense and wanted to scale back on the excitement.

• In soccer, Barcelona did not play Saturday, so Lionel Messi was held to two goals.

• I can’t seem to shake this flu. Honey, could you hand me the deer antler spray?

• Answer: Lions receiver Titus Young, twice disciplined for insubordination and once for punching a teammate, ranted on Twitter about not getting the ball enough and wanting out. Question: What’s the best way to make other teams run from you as if you were about to explode?

• Ex-NFL’er Simeon Rice plays for a Davie team in the developmental American Basketball League. Might not be a good sign when your new basketball league’s biggest star is a 38-year-old retired football player.

• Somebody make sure Brent Musberger is OK. Been almost a month since he leered lecherously at a beauty queen.

• Brazilian prostitutes are being given English lessons to prepare for that country hosting the 2014 soccer World Cup. I thought their profession was a universal language. Man pays money, shouts, “Goooaaaalllll!”

• Disgraced Olympian Suzy Favor Hamilton lost her spokeswoman role with the Wisconsin Potato & Vegetable Growers Association after admitting she led a secret life as a prostitute. With endorsement deals like that, I can see why needed the extra income.

•  Parting thought: It is estimated that 1.2 billion chicken wings will be eaten on Super Bowl Sunday. The figure could top 1.5 billion if I happen to be even hungrier than usual.

Visit Greg’s Random Evidence of a Cluttered Blog daily at MiamiHerald.com and follow on Twitter @gregcote.

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