2. Run out to the patio and grab the barbecue tongs.
3. Run back into the office and, while squinting really hard so as not to make eye contact with the snake, pick it up with the tongs.
4. Run, whimpering, back out onto the patio with mincing steps and quickly release the snake in such a manner that it falls into your swimming pool.
5. Change your underwear.
Bear in mind that the snake I captured was of the non-python variety, and was only about two feet long. To capture a Burmese python, which can grow to nearly 20 feet, you will need really big barbecue tongs.
At this point you are no doubt wondering: If I capture a python, is it safe to eat the meat? I will answer that with another question: Where do you think Slim Jims come from?
No! That is a joke, and as such it is protected from lawsuits by the Constitution. The actual answer, according to the Python Challenge website, is that neither the Florida Department of Health nor the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services have stated that python meat is safe to consume. I interpret that to mean: Yes.
Heres some more good news: You can keep your python skins! The website lists the names of some companies that might want them, including a company called Dragon Backbone, which will trade a knife for four python skins at least four feet long. (I am still not making this up.) The website also says that a company called All American Gator Products can tan a Burmese python skin and fashion it into something you want. (The website does not come right out and use the term thong, but we can read between the lines.)
In conclusion, I think the Python Challenge is one of those ideas that cannot possibly go wrong, and, assuming it goes off with a minimum of unnecessary deaths, it should be extended to other unwanted species, starting with a Cockroach Challenge. So to all you python hunters, I say: Good luck! We Floridians all look forward to the big moment when the dead pythons are counted and the winner declared. Its bound to be exciting. You know how good this state is at counting things.