It’s that time again: Resolution time. We can think of a couple ideas for a few in-the-news celebrities. Hey, people, we’re talking to you:
Jessica Simpson: We get it. We get it. You’re in the maternal stage a la Tori Spelling. But you may want to hold off on getting pregnant again, especially if another Weight Watchers contract is in your future.
Matthew McConaughey: You’ve lost close to 40 pounds from your once-buff frame for your role as AIDs/AZT activist Ron Woodroof in Dallas Buyer’s Club. Let 2013 be the year of more carbohydrates and less Method acting.
Kristen Stewart: You let Rob Pattinson slip through your fingers once for a married man (with kids!). Try monogamy or cut your vampire boyfriend loose.
Ben Affleck: A rumor that the Argo director/star was running to replace Massachusetts Sen. John Kerry turned out not to be true. Please, Ben, don’t rule it out. If not next year, perhaps when you’re a little more gray in the temples.
Rihanna & Chris Brown: Your Twitter followers have had enough of the racy photos. Either come out as a couple or drop the cameras.
Taylor Swift: Try to stick it out with One Direction cutie Harry Styles, or else he may end up writing a song about you, with a little help from Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and John Mayer.
Kim Kardashian & Kanye West: No more matching black leather outfits. Especially in Miami!
Lindsay Lohan: Pay your taxes, don’t drive and while you’re at it, stay away from the vodka. You know things are bad if you make Charlie Sheen look like a guardian angel.
Fat Joe & Stephen Baldwin: Get better accountants. (See Lindsay Lohan’s tax woes).
Nicki Minaj: Wear outfits that fit your curves. The end.
Honey Boo Boo: Eat your vegetables. And we don’t mean ketchup.
Lea Black: If The Real Housewives of Miami gets picked up for a season 3, can you find a different topic of conversation besides your annual gala?
Chad Johnson: The ex NFL star is reportedly furious an old sex tape starring him was leaked to the Web. Resolve to grab coffee one of these days with Hulk Hogan.