It’s almost the end of December and it seems that we’ve been partying like it was 20 pounds ago, but that’s what the holidays are all about. It’s a Food-and-Drink-A-Thon. We dust off the old recipes and for one time in the year use real butter, real sugar, whole eggs and nuts, nuts, nuts. This type of eating has its drawbacks, but it happens slowly and over much time. We, as a people who must have results now, don’t feel the poundage sneaking up until we try on those pants we wore six months ago and find they’ve shrunk while hanging in the closet.
How can you pass up any of those great holiday hors-d’oeuvres from Costco’s, readymade pigs in a blanket or a last-minute home-made dish of skewered wild mushroom fricassee from the west coast of France with a remoulade dollop of charred parsley oil over caramelized au gratin ginger-miso crostini.
That’s what New Year’s resolutions are for. At the end of the year, why do we “resolve” to stop the very things we love to do? If we can be honest, this is a little game we play with ourselves and to a lesser extent for those we wish to “impress” with our resolve. So what if they’re history in a week and a half. When Jan. 10 rolls around, resolutions are as “gone” as a handshake in Congress. That’s the date that we “come to our senses” and go back to the habits we enjoyed before we got overtaken by the holidays. Let’s do the numbers.
Forty-five percent of Americans “make” New Year’s resolutions. Fifty-four percent will continue eating and drinking like there’s no tomorrow. One percent are so wealthy they can purchase the healthy organs of the 45 percent.
Remember, rollover calories don’t count, as long as they don’t roll over your belt! Oh, and by the way, 8 percent will actually keep their resolutions. These are the folks who are still jogging well into February.
The end of the year is exciting, filled with parties, gifts and whatever excess we can load onto an already crammed credit card. January is not an exciting month. It’s national Blood Donor Month, National Oatmeal Month and National Bath Safety Month. Oh, and Jan. 3 is “National throw away that fruitcake day.”
Common knowledge tells us that fruitcake, if unopened, could last well into the next century. Not true. It’s much longer than that. Fruitcake is made to last. There’s one from 1902 in the Smithsonian that has been sent around the world 187 times.
When a slice was cut off and heated, it was as good as new. Don’t you wish your shelf life was as long?
I found a deal on 10 1-pound packages of fruitcake in sealed, full-color cartons on sale for $44.95. That’s $4.50 a pound. Where can you give a gift that keeps on giving for $4.50? What do I mean by “keeps on giving?” Because recipients have been known to send them along just like a chain letter to someone on their list as a joke. This means the post office has been handling the same fruitcakes for years. It’s like they never really stop traveling. I’m sure some fruitcakes have more frequent flyer miles than Hillary Clinton.
Helpful holiday hint: What comes out of your mouth is more important that what goes in!
Let the good feelings of the season continue and don’t worry about the calories. There’s always next year!
Buzz Fleischman is the humor columnist for Http://www.fortlauderdaleconnex.com and Miami’s pop culture contributor to Examiner.com. Follow me on http://www.twitter.com/#!buzzfleischman and read my blog ‘Things I couldn’t say on radio’ http://www.theradiobuzz.com/blog