Carolyn Hax

Carolyn Hax: She’s afraid a counselor will shun her


Dear Carolyn: I am a 32-year-old, married-with-children, educated professional who on outward appearances should have no reason to be miserable. However, I am.

Some recent events have triggered deep self-esteem issues that were probably always with me but now I can’t seem to get over. I feel I am unlikable, unlovable and that no one really cares about me. I am possessed by irrational thoughts that I am worthless.

No one in my life really seems to be able to help me move forward. I think I need help but am scared and not sure if my issues are serious enough to warrant it.

I definitely think my self-esteem issues are starting to impact my marriage and family. In addition, I see this as a cycle that my mom also suffers from, and I don’t want to inflict it upon my children. At what point is there a solid basis for counseling? I am afraid to call a counseling place and have them shun me for not having serious enough issues.

When Does One Need Help?

“No one in my life really seems to be able to help me move forward”: rock-solid grounds for counseling.

No reputable “counseling place” will shun you, ever. Your fear of that, in fact, sounds like depression talking, as do a few other remarks (feeling unlikable and “possessed by irrational thoughts,” nothing you try is working, mom had similar issues … ).

Please know that whatever ails you, it’s exactly what counseling is for — and a therapist knows that. Do your homework to find a quality provider with whom you feel comfortable, and then be patient with the process of getting well.

Dear Carolyn: OK, so, close friend has decided to give it another try with the loser boyfriend (drugs, limited employment, lack of emotional maturity) she broke up with five years ago when she fell in love with Loser Boyfriend No. 2 (drugs, limited employment, lack of emotional maturity … yes, there’s a pattern).

She asked for my thoughts and I told her, honestly but not cruelly, ending with, “You’re old enough to make your own decisions.” She, of course, ignored my advice and is pursuing this relationship. Bad idea? Yes. My responsibility? Nope.

At some point, I will probably meet him. It is not my job to judge, so of course I will be civil. But I’m really not a good enough actress to fake a “Hey, it’s so great to meet you!” that I really don’t feel. And “Hey, aren’t you the guy who totally (messed her up) five years ago?!?! How the heck have you been?!?!” doesn’t seem quite appropriate. So, any suggestions?

(Someone Else’s) Loser Boyfriend

You may fear that’ll be a friendship-ender, but looking out for the friendship is about you. To the extent you can, please look out for her.

Email Carolyn at, follow her on Facebook at or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at

Read more Lifestyle stories from the Miami Herald

Miami Herald

Join the

The Miami Herald is pleased to provide this opportunity to share information, experiences and observations about what's in the news. Some of the comments may be reprinted elsewhere on the site or in the newspaper. We encourage lively, open debate on the issues of the day, and ask that you refrain from profanity, hate speech, personal comments and remarks that are off point. Thank you for taking the time to offer your thoughts.

The Miami Herald uses Facebook's commenting system. You need to log in with a Facebook account in order to comment. If you have questions about commenting with your Facebook account, click here.

Have a news tip? You can send it anonymously. Click here to send us your tip - or - consider joining the Public Insight Network and become a source for The Miami Herald and el Nuevo Herald.

Hide Comments

This affects comments on all stories.

Cancel OK

  • Marketplace

Today's Circulars

  • Quick Job Search

Enter Keyword(s) Enter City Select a State Select a Category