$27.95 plus shipping and handling from The Lakeside Collection, PO Box 3088, Northbrook, Ill., 60065-3088, 847-444-3150; www.lakeside.com

Suggested by Terri Card of Corvallis, Ore.

If you’re a pro football fan, you probably show your support for your team in the usual ways: going to the games, drinking $12 beers, yelling obscenities at the officials and vomiting on the people sitting in front of you. And that’s fine, as far as it goes. But if you want to be a REAL fan, you need to show your support in the most meaningful way of all: with toast. And to do that, you need the NFL Pro Toaster. This amazing appliance uses advanced toaster technology to burn your team logo right into your toast. Then you can either eat it, or — better yet — take it with you to the game and wave it with pride. The other fans will be deeply impressed. That’s how drunk they are.

Next gift: MEGA PLUMBER ACTION HERO

DAVE BARRY 2012 GIFT GUIDE

• ‘ON THE GO’ CHARACTER INFLATABLE POTTY SEAT
• ‘THE WOOFER’ WEARABLE SOUND SYSTEM FOR DOGS
• NFL PRO TOASTER
• MEGA PLUMBER ACTION HERO
• POTATO-CHIP-GRABBING HAND
• ARTIFICIAL GRASS FLIP-FLOPS

• TRAILER-HITCH-MOUNTED STRIPPER POLE
• SQUIRREL AND CHICKEN MASKS
• TOILET TATTOOS
• INFLATABLE UNICORN HORNS FOR CATS
• EMERGENCY UNDERPANTS DISPENSER
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