THE FIX-A-FLAT BUTT
This is the scariest body part in South Florida, which is saying something. This may be the only butt on earth that has a measurable effect on the tides:
It belongs to a transgender individual, currently female, named Oneal Ron Morris. Morris allegedly ran an illegal buttocks-enhancement business in which she injected women’s buttocks with Fix-a-Flat, cement, mineral oil and super glue. Medically, this did not turn out to be a good idea; Morris is currently in Broward County Jail, facing charges of manslaughter and practicing medicine without a license. Her butt is in there also. Presumably it has its own cell. God help us if that thing ever gets out on parole.
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI
This a group of real South Florida housewives, with “real’’ defined as “Botoxed beyond recognition,’’ and “housewives’’ defined as “women who never do housework.’’ They are, by their own admission, fabulous. They star in a reality TV show — kind of like Jersey Shore, but without the intellectual depth — wherein cameras follow them as they go about their daily activities while wearing enough makeup to cover the deck of an aircraft carrier to a depth of 18 inches. You get the impression that all these women ever do is go to lunch and make catty remarks, but that is unfair; they also sometimes go to dinner and make catty remarks.
These women are not just shallow: They are deeply shallow. Do not get in their way.
These are large constrictor snakes that originally were kept as pets by people who were clearly drunk out of their minds. What happens is, at some point these people sober up and say, “My God! I’m living with a giant carnivorous snake!’’ So they release their pythons in the Everglades, where they eat everything they can strangle and hook up with other pythons and have wild python sex. Recently researchers caught a pregnant female Burmese python that was more than 17 feet long and contained 87 eggs. She was the Octomom of pythons. And there are thousands more of these things out there, chomping away on the native wildlife.
What happens when they’ve eaten all the other animals in the Everglades? They’re going to come hunting in Miami, unless we stop them. Maybe we could put billboards in the Everglades with snake-oriented diagrams on them explaining, using arrows and simple pictures, that the people over on the Gulf side of the state are meatier and slower-moving.
THE GOLDEN GLADES
This is even scarier than the Everglades. It is a massive interchange, apparently designed by highway engineers on crack, that connects all the major roads in South Florida, as well as, at one point, we’re pretty sure, the Pennsylvania Turnpike. It is the Bermuda Triangle of interchanges: Once you enter, you can never be sure what will happen to you. Years ago an elderly couple, attempting to drive from Aventura to Kendall, entered the Golden Glades and were never seen again. Local legend has it that, on certain dark nights, if you listen carefully, you can hear them driving around in there, arguing about which exit they should attempt next.
MIAMI WOMEN’S SHOES
Miami women are on the leading edge of the scary national fashion trend of wearing “platform stiletto’’ shoes. These are insane and unattractive contraptions, like miniature oil derricks made out of leather, that women strap on and then attempt to walk around in. The range of women wearing these shoes is limited: They can stagger only about 15 feet before the pain becomes unbearable. But during those 15 feet, because of their unnatural altitude, they are highly unstable. They can easily stumble, and if you get in their way their heels can pierce your foot like an ice pick going through a Twinkie.