Dear Caroyln:

Three weeks ago, I received a text from my boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend indicating that they were having sex during the first two months of my relationship with him. At first he denied it, then said, “It was only twice.” He knew I had serious trust issues, yet he did this to me anyway. I feel reasonably certain he would not betray me again. I love him and I feel sad for him (he is quite despondent), but I just can’t get past this. That woman is a beast.

Inability to Forgive

That beast did you a favor. Not because she exposed your boyfriend as a liar or cheater, but because she got you to the edge of a less black-and-white view of fidelity and trust. Can you take the last steps on your own?

The first thing to consider is that your boyfriend “did this to me.” I’m confident he didn’t sleep with his ex with hurting you in mind — or with you in mind at all. A lot of relationships trail off versus end cleanly. Even the ones that are over often got there after a relapse or two.

The next thing to consider is that vilifying the ex is middle school stuff. Her texting you was, too, but she’s beside the point. You are angry at your boyfriend, not the messenger. And pride is an even more useless distraction. What people think of you doesn’t amount to a gob of spit.

Do you trust your boyfriend or not? Do you value your relationship or not? And, since you cite trust issues — can you trust anyone? This is all that matters.

If you can look at your relationship and all you know about it, and say, “Count me in,” then go to your boyfriend, say this isn’t how you would have scripted it but you’re nonetheless glad he finally told you at least part of the truth. Then ask him for the rest of it. See what he does, says, admits or denies. Then see how you like the weather in Gray World.