A major development this week heaped deserved national shame on a major institution, and I cannot in good conscience sit idly by without adding my damnation.
What? Oh. You thought I meant the Freeh Report on the Penn State scandal that lambastes the late Joe Paterno among those involved in years of covering up Jerry Sanduskys pedophile crimes? Well, yeah, that too now that you mention it. Awful. Id ceremonially knock down Paternos campus statue, and Id do a heck of a lot better job at it than the Iraqis did in 2003 throwing shoes at a bronze Saddam Hussein.
For now though, my outrage is directed at the U.S. Olympic Committee, which has shamed all Americans and especially American athletes as the London Olympics loom less than two weeks away.
The USOC revealed the 2012 official Olympic uniforms this week, and the news could only have been worse if the uniforms had been designed by Lady Gaga and included jackets made of live earthworms, 40-inch heels and no pants.
Instead, the uniforms are under the auspices of fashion designer Ralph Lauren, and my only two complaints will be listed in inverse order of importance:
2. The uniforms were made in China. Seriously. U.S. unemployment is 8 percent but were outsourcing to China to make the U.S. Olympic uniforms. Democrats and Republicans agree on something about once a decade, but they agree this is, symbolically, at least, embarrassing.
1. The preppy white slacks and double-breasted dark blue blazers will make every American athlete look like a spoiled rich kid named Thad stepping on to his familys yacht. Far worse, the uniforms are topped by a French beret! Everybody looks dorky in a beret. If I were joking Id say the uniform hats were upside-down red plant pots like the New Wave group Devo used to wear, but berets are the next worst thing. The beret finds the spoiled rich kid Thad wearing a paisley ascot, smoking an elaborate pipe and driving a Fiat.
To tie all this together, I say we give Paterno the ultimate embarrassment by putting a beret on his statues head.
• Marlins manager Ozzie Guillen is going closer by committee after demoting Heath Bell. It isnt a good sign when your seasons blown saves outnumber Greg Odens knee surgeries. There are whispers Bell is overweight and out of shape. I cant say. Although he did test positive last week for Twinkies.
• Heat star Dwyane Wade (skipping the Olympics) and Marlins slugger Giancarlo Stanton (out another month) underwent minor knee surgery the same day. I heard the teams hooked up on a 2-for-1 deal with a cut-rate doctor in Hialeah to save money. OK, probably not.
• With Dolphins training camp only 12 days away, the team reportedly will make minor changes to its logo beginning in 2013. If they keep missing the playoffs every year, I suggest the dolphin add sunglasses and a mustache to avoid being recognized.
• A new NFL rule will allow teams to lift the TV blackout and air games locally if only 85 percent of non-premium seats are sold. Great. Like Dolfans needed one more reason not to attend games?
• The Saints and Drew Brees agreed to a five-year, $100 million contract including an NFL-record $60 million guaranteed. Thats quite a bounty! Wait, let me rephrase that.