NDIANAPOLIS -- I Somebody asks me what I think of Bill Parcells and without thinking much I blurt, “A real grouch, but boy could he coach.”

But that’s what I meant, so why take it back?

So he was a grouch and so he could coach. Any way you slice it, he should roll into the Pro Football Hall of Fame on Saturday’s first ballot.

Here we go, handicapping this Hall election:

•  No. 1 Bill Parcells.

“When you work for Bill Belichick,” says Parcells’ old Patriots offensive coordinator, Bill O’Brien, who takes over Monday as Penn State’s head coach, “there’s only one cook in the kitchen. The rest of us are just dishwashers.”

Same went for Parcells. He’s a totally singular guy — always the boss, always the spokesman. Any assistant who didn’t understand that just didn’t work for Parcells very long.

He coached only five losing seasons out of 19 as an NFL head coach. He simply wouldn’t put up with losing, the way Vince Lombardi and Don Shula wouldn’t.

•  No. 2 Tim Brown.

Mystery to me why Brown hasn’t been elected before, because he’s been eligible a long time. He was greased lightning, with 1,094 catches for 14,934 yards. Imagine taking the ball that far that often. A singular talent who was also lucky to be in Al Davis’ employ for 16 years.

•  No. 3 Curtis Martin.

He’ll have the support of a relatively sizeable voting contingent from the New York/New Jersey. He’ll need it against a rich field, because I’m a little higher on him than most of the selectors. Anybody who reeled off more than 17,000 yards — that’s 170 times up and down the field — qualifies in spades.

•  No. 4 Cortez Kennedy.

I may be a little higher on Kennedy than some other selectors, but I go back more than 20 years with him, to when he was terrorizing Miami Hurricanes opponents. Eight Pro Bowls, that’s a ton, and earned every single one of ’em.

•  No. 5 Chris Doleman.

Here’s another guy I may rate a little higher than some others will. I thought he was great at Pitt before he ever joined the Vikings. Only three players ever collected more sacks than Doleman’s 150 1/2. That’s a gang of one-man gang-tackling.

•  No. 6 Kevin Greene.

Another quarterback tormentor. He walked on at Auburn and never walked on a field again. He was always charging, always punishing, always frothing at the mouth. Made the 1990s All-Decades Team, as well he should have.

•  No. 7 Jerome Bettis.

They called him The Bus but I never rode one that went that berserk. You had to tackle him or risk having your head torn off. I simply can’t imagine why he made All-Pro only twice, in 1993 and ’96. There never was a more powerful runner unless maybe Bronko Nagurski, and believe it or not, I don’t go back quite that far.

•  No. 8 Cris Carter.

So I’m a little prejudiced because I so enjoyed Carter’s 2002 with the Dolphins even though he played only five games. Thought he was one of the most expressive guys to play the game, and he went 16 seasons, which is forever and a day in the NFL.

•  No. 9 Dermontti Dawson.

Any All-Pro team Dawson didn’t make from 1993 through ’98 was hardly worth making. A star for 13 seasons, he was the center who paved so many roads for Bettis.