B ienvenidos to Miami, Republican candidates. Enjoy your day.

Judging by your theatrical debate antics — necessary in the age of choice, I know, if you want to lure viewers away from the Kardashians roaming New York, the new Univisión telenovela La que no podía amar (The One Who Couldn’t Love) and the cute-dog-vs.-bad-guy episode of Castle on ABC — you’ll feel right at home here.

Ours is a paradise for the silly, the liars and the panderers.

You’ll fit right in.

The silly: Mitt Romney, who has coined a new term in immigration policy — self-deportation.

That’s oh-so-simple and clever a position on immigration reform that it drew laughter from the Monday night primetime debate audience in Tampa. Not that it bothered Romney, who continued to press his plan, and made sure we all understood, using the term again.

“Self-deport,” he insisted.

The wealthy corporate raider is so disconnected from reality he didn’t get the Pew Hispanic Center report circulated nationwide alerting everyone to the importance of the Hispanic vote in Florida.

While there were more Hispanic Republicans than Hispanic Democrats in 2006, the scales tipped over after 2008.

According to the Florida Division of Elections’ statistics for the state’s Jan. 31 presidential primary, 1,473,920 Hispanics are registered to vote statewide.

They make up 13.1 percent of the state’s more than 11.2 million registered voters. Of those, 452,619 are registered as Republicans, representing 11.1% of all Republican registered voters, and 564,513 are registered as Democrats, representing 12 percent of all Democratic registered voters. Another 431,131 Hispanics list no party affiliation and 25,657 registered in other parties.

Moving on we have…

The liar: Newt Gingrich, on so many counts personal and professional, that it’s tough to choose one, but hey, we know what the important issue is in Florida, and G is going to out-perform the charming Ronald Reagan and his “ Cuba sí, Castro no!” chant.

Gingrich promises to launch “covert” operations to overthrow the Cuban government.

“I’m talking about using every asset available to the United States, including appropriate covert operations,” Gingrich said

Yippee!

I’ll believe it when I see it.

He was more credible when he provided levity.

After Romney offered the astute observation that the 85-year-old cancer-stricken Fidel Castro will soon “meet his maker,” Gingrich offered this right-on-the money view: “I don’t think Fidel will meet his maker. I think he’s going to the other place.”

Now there’s a quick-witted man who can beat President Barack Obama — the commander-in-chief who didn’t brag about wanting to take out Osama bin Laden before putting a bullet in his brain.

Next, the panderer: Rick Santorum, who would have the religious right believe that he’s going to mandate our conversion, never mind the founding principle of the separation of church and state. He’s not coming to Miami, though, thank God.

We’re not without our cooky characters here, so the adorable Ron Paul, el loco, as some call him in Spanish, would certainly be a fit, but he too is staying away. He’s actually the only candidate who shows any consistency in his ideas, who calls it as he sees it despite the polls, and he’s not much of a panderer on Cuba, so perhaps his cafecito at Versailles might have tasted a little bitter.

Paul noted that the Cold War ended long ago and that we trade with China, who we didn’t and don’t like, and that we trade with Vietnam, a country with whom we were at war and to which we lost tens of thousands of American lives.

Let’s talk to everybody, he said.

“It’s not 1962 anymore. We don’t have to use force and intimidation,” Paul said to some applause from the audience.

Wise man. I used to have a boyfriend who warned me that he would not get into a physical fight with anyone over me. “As long as there’s muela available, why risk injury?” he said, using Cuban slang for fast-talk. Wise, wise man. He was a diplomat.

So good luck in Miami on Wednesday, boys. Buena suerte.

You’ll need it for the forum on Univisión. Some viewers are going to be really mad because they’d rather be watching The One Who Couldn’t Love.