This Dave Barry column was originally published Nov. 4, 1990

Recently, in a deviation from Standard Journalism Procedure, I've been talking with members of the public. We journalists generally avoid members of the public because they always tell us that we get everything wrong, although in fact what they're usually talking about is insignificant errors such as identifying James Baker as "the governor of Connecticut, " when he is technically the mayor of Connecticut.

So usually we journalists prefer to obtain our information about the public by watching it walk past our cafeteria windows. "The public appears guardedly optimistic today, " we'll say. Or: "Stop the presses! The public appears to be in a recession!"

But lately, because of car trouble, I have been in very close contact with the public, at least the part of it that operates tow trucks, and I've been able to "dig up" the following major "scoop":

The public is fed up with politicians.

Yes. If you don't believe me, just look around you (Not NOW, you moron! At the end of the sentence!) and you'll see subtle yet unmistakable signs of voter dissatisfaction:

* In survey after survey, the public ranks "politician, " as a profession, between "arsonist" and "hookworm."

* Many politicians are unable to appear in daylight because the public throws rocks at them. They're forced to campaign in the dead of night, sneaking into voters' houses, creeping into the nurseries, hastily kissing babies and then sprinting off into the darkness, trailed by aides carrying camouflaged briefcases.

* Eighty-seven percent of the members of the U.S. Congress now wear special armored socks because they keep getting bitten by their own dogs.

* In a dramatic example of the mounting voter backlash against incumbents, the two-term governor of Oklahoma was recently defeated by a jar of totally inexperienced mayonnaise.

Yes, our elected leaders are "feeling the heat, " but is this really fair? Should the public tar all of the apples in the political barrel with the same broad brush just because a few rotten eggs are crying over spilt milk? Of course not. The truth is that there are a great many politicians who are honest, trustworthy, intelligent, hard-working, decent and competent. Unfortunately, they are all located on the planet Zoombah. The ones here on Earth are dumpsterheads.

Consider, for example, their recent concerted effort to reduce the pesky federal budget deficit, which, shockingly, continues to mount despite the fact that both major political parties have issued sternly worded position papers against it. Day after day, week after week, the top brains of Congress and the Bush administration sat in a conference room, eating prune Danish supplied by the Prune Danish Division of the Bureau of Pastries of the U.S. Department of Refreshments at a cost of $2,350 per slice.

"What should we do about this pesky budget deficit?" the leaders asked, crumbs of concern dribbling from their mouths. "How can we reduce it? If only we had an idea! If only we could think

of . . . "

"SPEND LESS MONEY, YOU CRETINS!!" shouted a group of cockroaches, who had been listening from the floor and managed to figure out the solution despite the handicap of not being top political brains. Unfortunately, however, our political leadership is not responsive to cockroaches, unless of course they operate savings-and-loan institutions.