Body Perks Brand Nipple Enhancers

 
BOB EIGHMIE / FOR THE HERALD

$19.95 plus shipping and handling from Bodyperks Inc., P.O. Box 652, Wayzata, Minn. 55391; www.bodyperks.com

Suggested by Jeff Meyerson of Brooklyn, N.Y.

This is the perfect gift for the gal on your holiday gift list who would like to appear perkier in the gazombular region. Body Perks are little silicone dealies that go on top of a woman’s natural nipples so as to give her frontal zone that cold-weather, smuggling-raisins look that for thousands of years has caused men to walk into utility poles. Why are men so interested in women’s nipples? Why aren’t women equally interested in men’s nipples? Why do men even have nipples? We at the Holiday Gift Guide do not have answers to these questions. We just enjoy saying "nipples." Nipples nipples nipples. Is it getting warm in here?

Next gift: Emergency Brassiere Face Mask

DAVE BARRY 2010 GIFT GUIDE

Read more Dave Barry Gift Guide stories from the Miami Herald

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    If you are not putting a brassiere on your hen (or self-mutilating parrot) (which would be a good name for a rock band) you could very well be contributing to its DEATH.

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